American psychologist Robert Sternberg identified three key ingredients essential for a mature relationship to thrive.
- The first is intimacy: closeness, trust, self-disclosure, and emotional bonding.
- The second is passion: our inner drive, attraction, desire, and erotic interest that pulls us toward each other.
- The third is commitment: the decision to invest energy and effort into the relationship.
One of the biggest challenges in marriage is when these elements are missing or damaged.
Boglárka Román, couples and family therapist, sexual psychologist, explains that relationship struggles often stem from childhood traumas, unhealthy patterns we bring with us, or unresolved life situations. These can easily create tension or tip the balance in the relationship.
Sometimes the "I" takes center stage over the "we." In these moments, we might feel trapped, seeing our partner as an opponent instead of a teammate.
When it gets to this point, marriage often stops being a place for growth and becomes a shared standstill — even though it could be a source of strength. With the help of a psychologist, we’ve gathered three common signs that it’s time to work on your marriage.
You Don’t Feel Attractive Next to Your Partner
If you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin, it’s worth exploring why. While this can be a personal issue, your partner’s behavior might also affect how you feel. “We can approach this from two angles,” explains Boglárka Román.
“First, we might be unhappy with ourselves, experiencing low self-esteem and confidence. Second, which involves our partner, is when positive, affirming feedback from them is missing or replaced by critical or hurtful remarks."
If your partner isn’t giving feedback, try offering some yourself. Sometimes, your positive words can encourage them to change their attitude. Share genuine compliments and ask them to try giving more praise. If hurtful comments increase, be sure to address this openly and work together to find the root cause.”
Sexual Intimacy Breaks Down
The psychologist encourages us not to panic if passion ebbs now and then. It’s completely normal for desire to fluctuate in long-term relationships.
“The more in love we are, the more open, curious, and receptive we become,” the psychologist begins.
“But once we’ve fully opened up, things can become predictable, and boredom might sneak in.” The advice? Feel the absence of your partner a little. The push-and-pull dynamic can be exciting.
“If you feel too distant, start consciously sharing your feelings. Bring creativity and imagination into your daily life, focus your attention on each other. Communicate, exchange flirty messages, plan date nights. Make an effort to surprise and connect. Dedicate quality time to one another.”
No Shared Vision for the Future
If you notice you’re communicating less, making decisions separately, not paying attention to yourselves or your relationship, or unwilling to grow, it’s a strong sign that change is needed. “The best way forward is to start talking again and rethink how your relationship works,” says Boglárka.
“Create new directions together that work for both of you. Set new rules and discuss everything—whether it’s sharing responsibilities, finances, having children, parenting, or managing your time."
And again, try to reconnect. When you can openly acknowledge differences and work toward agreement or compromise, you’ll be able to build new plans hand in hand.”
Remember, maintaining and changing a relationship is a shared responsibility. Never forget that!
