It is not uncommon to hear women say they feel like they are living with a "grown-up child" rather than a partner. And although this sentence is usually followed by a conspiratorial laugh in conversations between girlfriends, lately I have been thinking more and more: why have we accepted this setup?
The old pattern: mom takes care, dad gets by
In our mothers' generation, this was, of course, completely normal. "Dad works, mom takes care of everything" was the classic script, even if mom also worked. Managing the household, the children, and the family naturally fell on the mother, while often the man didn’t even know where the towel belonged or what the child wanted for a snack. They didn’t expect it from him.
This dynamic is now alien to most women – at least in theory. The current adult generation is much more conscious: we talk about equality, relationship work, and jointly made decisions.
In practice, however, many women still find themselves in situations where they are the ones who keep everything in their heads, do emotional labor, and think on behalf of their partner.
Emotional labor is not just one partner’s responsibility
Many women go to therapy, self-awareness groups, read books about how to be a better partner – while their partner just drifts along. Many excuse their partner if he "is not good at communication," if he cannot express his feelings, or if he sometimes completely withdraws from the shared emotional space. In fact, they often try to "help," interpret his feelings, explain his behavior, and smooth over conflicts.
Up to a point, this is understandable. Gender stereotypes still strongly live with us, and women have had many more opportunities to express their feelings and understand their own weaknesses, while many men grew up learning that they cannot talk about their emotions. So it is understandable that they start at a disadvantage. What is less understandable is that they do not make an effort to overcome this disadvantage as adults.
This kind of dynamic – when the woman tries to put emotional work into the relationship on behalf of the man – can lead to burnout in the long run. One partner constantly gives, pays attention, adapts, while the other does not have to change. But a relationship cannot last if only one partner grows.
Why do women mother?
This is partly learned behavior: women often learn as little girls that they have to take care, help, and "fix" their environment. On the other hand, it can also be a kind of defense – if I control things, the relationship will surely work. But this means the partner actually participates not as an adult, but as a child.
It is also common that the woman feels her partner struggles, but instead of expecting him to work on himself, she takes the burden on her shoulders. Understanding is, of course, important, but if empathy turns into sacrifice – if the woman does not dare to ask, expect, or set boundaries – then mothering is no longer kindness but self-abandonment.
But where is the boundary?
It is, of course, difficult to say from the outside how long a relationship is healthy and when it becomes exploitative. I think the key is balance. In a relationship, it is natural from time to time for one partner to give more, especially if the other is going through a difficult time, but in the long run, it is both partners’ responsibility to work on themselves, grow, and be active participants in the shared life. If one partner always "maintains" the other while fighting their own self-awareness battles alone, that is not partnership but emotional inequality.
Women – who are often more sensitive to emotional needs – have the right not only to give but also to receive. To be not their partner’s mother but their partner. And they have the right to say: "I love you, but I am not your therapist, I am not your personal assistant, and I am not your mother either."
True equality begins when both are capable of taking responsibility – not only for the relationship but also for themselves. And this is something we can definitely expect today.
