We talked about it when she mentioned she had a crush on someone else, even though she’d been in a committed partnership for years. I told her that if someone keeps popping into your thoughts like that and you keep going down that path, it probably means the relationship is struggling. I still believe that today.
I’m not saying those relationships can’t be saved, but something important is definitely missing if we find ourselves falling hard for someone else. Even if we don’t take any physical steps toward that person yet. Slowly, my friend realized her relationship hadn’t been working well for a while, and she was halfway out of it—just too overwhelmed to make a move.
It’s Totally Fine to Be Attracted to Someone – But There’s a “But” at the End
An article in Emotion magazine explored how romantic relationships work and how we react to attractive people while in a relationship.
Surprisingly to some, researchers say this is completely normal and nothing to worry about. In fact, it’s healthy to notice appealing “alternatives” in everyday life. Who are they? People we’d be happy to date, get close to, or simply know better if we weren’t already with our current partner. The problem arises when desire becomes too strong, turning mixed feelings into a source of stress.
No Need to Worry Unless Strong Desire Kicks In
“Most people experience ambivalence at some point in their relationship,” says Giulia Zoppolat, lead author of the study. In these moments, people weigh their feelings carefully. They often find themselves tangled in a web of conflicting emotions as they assess both the good and the bad in their relationship.
To understand this better, researchers in the Netherlands surveyed hundreds of couples in long-term relationships. They asked about feelings toward their partner and whether any attractive “alternatives” were present in their lives. Participants also rated their personal and relationship well-being, current stress levels, and how often they thought about breaking up.
The key question was what happens when people feel desire for someone else. It turned out that while most adults can identify at least one appealing “escape,” it’s the desire itself—not just the presence of another person—that intensifies mixed feelings.
“It’s not a cause for alarm to be attracted to someone, but it’s worth paying attention when strong desire develops.”
It Might Be Harmless—or It Could Mean More
The authors highlight that these feelings can be temporary, as many things can cause relationship dips. During those times, we tend to notice previously “put aside” attractive individuals more closely. This could be triggered by major life changes like moving, switching jobs, increased home stress, or feeling temporarily neglected.
The biggest risk is when the attractive and desired “alternative” is consistently present and seems to share similar feelings.
Researchers agree it’s normal and acceptable to feel attracted to others. They believe this doesn’t automatically mean the end or breakdown of a relationship. Still, it’s clearly a stressful situation, bringing mixed and conflicting emotions. Relationships in these moments aren’t doomed but do need extra care and attention. It’s important to clarify feelings and decide the best path forward with kindness and honesty.
