Every Day
We masturbate every day. Yes, every single day. Your guy does it too—every one of them. Any man who says he doesn’t is not telling the truth. On days without sex, we take care of ourselves...
Fantasy
We check out women. We notice breasts and butts—every woman’s, it’s instinctive. No secondary sexual characteristic escapes our attention. We’ve all imagined what it would be like in bed with your girlfriends. It means nothing, so no hard feelings—this is just how we’re wired. Basically, we daydream about sex with every attractive woman. But here’s a comforting truth: we know your body so well, we can recall every curve from memory.
Hygiene
If we’re not seeing you, we might skip the shower. Of course, we groom ourselves when we want to impress, but when we know we don’t have to "show up," we’re not too focused on cleanliness. We sniff our armpits, decide we’re still socially acceptable, spritz on some deodorant, and call it good.
Daydreaming
We regularly daydream about wild scenarios where we’re the heroes. Like a crash happening and us saving everyone. A plane, subway, or any vehicle breaks down, but we grab the wheel and bring it to a safe stop. We jump into icy water to rescue a drowning person. We shoot the criminal during a robbery and save the beautiful lady. We bravely run into a burning house to get the kids, dog, cat, and so on.
Forever
We imagine our whole life with a girl we just met—wedding, honeymoon, kids, growing old together in love. (Yep, it’s not just women; we do it too, even if we don’t admit it.)
Recognition
Even though we deny it fiercely, we can tell which men look good and we can genuinely appreciate good looks.
Sizing Up
We size up men we pass on the street to see if we could beat them in a fight. A full fight choreography plays in our heads—how we’d take control, even if the other guy is taller or bigger. For example, we’d start with a right jab, take him down, twist his arm, maybe knock him out with a left hook to the chin, then finish with a rear chokehold.
Tears
We cry when our dog, cat, or goldfish dies. We also cry when our girlfriend leaves us—but only when no one’s watching. And of course, we’d never admit it to anyone.
Drops
I confess with some hesitation, ladies, but you need to know this: we don’t always put the toilet seat down. Sometimes we’re just lazy and a few drops land on the seat… We’re not embarrassed—we just wipe it off quickly. Not with toilet paper, but with our socked foot. Yes, we know it’s gross, but we can’t help it—we’re cavemen at heart.
Little Things
We kick ice cubes that fall on the kitchen floor under the fridge. We pick our noses and shamelessly scratch—especially "down there." We hum girly pop songs when no one’s around.
Mustache
While shaving, we try out the walrus, porn star, Rodolfo, and Hitler mustaches, then check ourselves out to see which suits us best.
Adjustments
Every man adjusts his package. Sometimes the pants pinch, sometimes the underwear rubs, or an erection comes out of nowhere. (Yes, erections can happen unexpectedly—we can’t help it.)
