My amazing biology teacher once said that between a man and a woman, anything is normal as long as both want it and enjoy it. As teens, we blushed at that, but now we get it: sexual creativity is as vital to health as balanced nutrition. Our culture institutionalized monogamy, so fully embracing variety in sexuality takes some planning. Sure, we’ve found ways to manage “parallel” relationships, but society still strongly expects us to publicly commit to just one partner at a time.
So, we satisfy our desires through “serial relationships”: divorcing and switching lovers often. The appetite usually dictates the quantity—and sometimes the quality.
What we can always do is set our sexual fantasies free and explore “territories” we wouldn’t dare visit in real life. Researchers at the University of Montreal surveyed 1,500 people to uncover what men and women imagine sexually. Published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the findings aren’t surprising—they closely relate to the evolutionary and biological roles of the sexes.
We share many fantasies, from the unusual to the common: 80% want to be intimate in unusual places, dreaming of outdoor and romantic settings, and a large number fantasize about sex with strangers. Nearly half of married women and 83% of married men daydream about other partners.
Both sexes crave intimate moments with celebrities, with only a 10% difference—favoring men at 61%. Oral sex sparks vivid fantasies too, with about 70% on both sides saying masturbation would be more exciting if done in front of their partner.
Dominance and submission are common fantasies. Though the proportions differ, the thought is significant for both sexes—around 50%.
Rare fantasies include sex with animals (around 2%) and cross-dressing as the opposite sex (about 15%).
Men often imagine multiple partners and strangers. 75% think about sex with more than three women at once, and 84% would happily try being with two women in bed. Over 80% enjoy watching women pleasure each other, and many would join in.
Nearly three-quarters of women fantasize most about oral sex: they’d love to encourage their partner and be the dominant one in bed. We’re not short on numbers either—64% would enjoy scenarios with more than three participants.
What about the line between sexual fantasies and deviance? Clinicians explore when fantasies stop being healthy and start becoming problematic. Though it’s complex, medical experts agree that compulsive sexual fantasies aren’t healthy.
The core issue is that compulsion drives frequent fantasies, and only the fantasy brings satisfaction, while real-life desire and performance decline.
It’s also a red flag if sexual fantasies cause stress, harm, or injury. Symptoms show up during real sex, damaging the sex life.
Many influences shape our imagination and sexual fantasies. A 2014 study in the Journal of Women’s Health highlighted the impact of Fifty Shades of Grey. Women who read it were 25% more likely to be in verbally abusive relationships, 34% more likely to tolerate physical abuse, and 75% more likely to have an eating disorder. These shocking stats come from teens and young adults.
The world of fantasies can enrich and spark creativity in the bedroom—as long as it supports real-life connection and doesn’t pull us away from the here and now. So let’s be brave and enjoy them in a healthy way!
