Accept This: We Never Truly Control Our Spouse’s Life or Choices
Holly believes one of today’s biggest challenges in marriage and society is the mistaken idea that marriage grants ownership. Many feel that once they say "I do," their relationship work is done. But that mindset often makes things worse. The real problem? We convince ourselves we don’t need to nurture our relationship. We think we own our spouse, have done the "required" steps, and happiness will just follow. Sadly, this often leads straight to divorce.
Holly says the first step is to let go of the idea that we own our partner. Because owning implies giving up on the effort needed to maintain a relationship. It’s easy to sweep problems under the rug and ignore flaws if we believe the other person will stay no matter what.
Without that ownership mindset, both partners can work harder and more lovingly on the relationship. Spouses take more responsibility for their actions and strive daily to improve their marriage’s quality. It’s hard work, and paradoxically, it can sometimes still lead to divorce.
But sometimes, people change over time. Changed needs and goals might lead partners down different paths. Without shared effort and growth, the relationship won’t move forward.
Divorce Rarely Means the End of Your Connection – Keep This in Mind
Even though divorce ends your romantic and sexual relationship with your spouse, it doesn’t mean you have to cut all ties. That’s especially true if you have children or shared financial responsibilities.
It’s not easy, but remember you once meant everything to each other. If you have children, you owe each other and them respect. There will be tough and awkward moments ahead as you navigate your shared future. You’ll both be present at milestones like graduations, games, weddings... and may even cross paths at mutual friends’ events.
Those who handle divorce wisely set aside anger and hurt, or risk sabotaging their own happiness for years to come.
You don’t have to enjoy your ex’s company right away or feel happy to see them. But acceptance beats anger and blame every time. Think about how your child feels caught between you, especially at one of life’s most special moments. Their job is to enjoy the moment, not listen to mom and dad argue.
Your Ex’s Past Doesn’t Matter During Divorce
As painful as it is, Holly points out that your ex’s personality doesn’t influence legal decisions. Maybe they were a terrible spouse, making it hard to stay calm. But divorce requires prioritizing your emotional intelligence. Decisions made with emotional maturity don’t describe a failed spouse—they describe someone moving forward, independent and growing, who will reach their goals.
Holly sees emotional intelligence in divorce as the highest form of self-care. To do this, you must keep in mind: divorce doesn’t define you or your marriage; it’s just a legal process. It’s normal to feel hurt and unfairly treated. But you have to learn to put those feelings aside because decisions need to be goal-focused, not emotional.
So don’t let anger, fear, or pain take over—you can deal with those once the paperwork is done.
Making legal decisions out of revenge that hurt your ex—and yourself—is far from mature. Those aren’t the actions of a woman who’s learned from her past and is ready to grow and move on.
Holly advises not to see divorce as the end of happiness or love. Instead, view it as the start of a new chapter, where you simply move beyond what didn’t work. With the right mindset, you can make your plans come true and live the future you create.
