Meow
I love cats; we had them when I was a kid. Recently, I learned that a man who loves cats must be gay. Funny, because my grandpa (a tough farmer) loved cats, my dad (a firefighter) did too, and even my brother, a pro boxer, is a cat person. I’m a lieutenant in the army and not gay, but cats are my favorite animals.
On Foot
A real man doesn’t sit cross-legged, doesn’t wear flip-flops, and definitely doesn’t rollerblade.
Diet and Drinks
They say a true lady doesn’t drink beer, but men can’t just drink anything either—oh no! I love cocktails, and the guys around me often tell me to stop embarrassing them with these “girly drinks.” What can an alpha male not eat? Bananas, lollipops, and macarons. There’s even a book titled “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche,” but thankfully it’s a sarcastic take on toxic masculinity.
Artistically
A real man can’t appreciate art; for example, he can’t show if he likes a painting. Cars get all the praise. He can only say something is beautiful if he’s objectifying a woman—any other time, no. Poetry? Absolutely forbidden.
Music matters too—some genres just aren’t allowed in the man world. Like a Taylor Swift song? Forget it, heresy! Singing and dancing are off-limits; at the club, the only acceptable move is staying put.
Groomed
Any form of skincare is banned. A real man has one body wash and that’s it. Conditioner and face cream? No way, those are for women only.
Basic Household
A real man doesn’t keep things tidy or clean. Cleaning, ironing, laundry, cooking, and sewing are all women’s work—the crown of creation shouldn’t stoop to chores.
Scented
A fitness influencer once posted that the bicep exercises he recommends are for real men only—meaning not for those who use roll-on deodorant. When the comment section blew up, he said he was joking to boost views. But for me, the message stuck—I still only use stick deodorant.
Tears
Sean Strickland, a cage fighter, said a real man doesn’t cry, except when his mom or dog dies. I raised an eyebrow hearing that because I cry at touching movies all the time, and neither my friends nor my girlfriend think less of me for it. By the way, Strickland himself got emotional on a podcast talking about his tough childhood and strained relationship with his dad—and I never thought that made him weak.
The Mane
A real man doesn’t wear his hair in a bun or ponytail. Actually, he doesn’t grow it long at all—real men sport short cuts or go bald. I’m a 6’3" (190 cm), big guy with a metal band, so my hair reaches my waist.
Expressed
A real man doesn’t show his feelings, so he can’t hug a friend or say he loves him. Apologizing is out of the question—it would mean admitting a mistake, and that just can’t happen!
