Couples who reach out for professional help often face rocky relationships. A good therapist — like Samantha Rodman Whiten — knows from experience how to decode what couples really mean.
Our sex life is good
This usually means their sex life is far from good — often downright tragic. They either rarely have sex — maybe once in a blue moon — or there’s a lack of connection, leaving one or both partners unsatisfied.
My husband is a good dad
When a woman says her husband is a good dad, it usually means the only thing she can’t complain about is that if she asks him once a month to pick up the kids from school, he generally manages to pull it off. He might need a couple of reminders in the morning and during the day, but he usually gets it done.
My wife puts the kids first
Translation: If I had a heart attack and collapsed in the hallway, my wife would hold the kids’ hands and step right over me because there’s no way they’d be late for dance class. This means that since the kids were born, the husband has slipped to the very bottom of his wife’s priority list.
We could improve our communication
If the husband says this, I know he has no clue why his wife insisted on coming to see me: he thinks everything’s fine at home and she just complains too much. If the wife says it, I know she’s been trying for years to make her husband see what isn’t working in their marriage, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I don’t get along with their parents
If the husband says this, I know he’s basically been avoiding his in-laws for years and skips meetings whenever possible. If the wife says it, it’s clear she dreads every holiday with a stomach ache and probably takes a Xanax before even talking to her mother-in-law.
I’m still attracted to them
This means that if the other person underwent a complete personality transplant, they’d still be able to have sex.
My husband doesn’t pay attention to me anymore
Translation: My partner last bought me flowers in the previous millennium, only remembers my birthday because the kids remind him, and if I set myself on fire, he might not even notice or try to put it out. He only acknowledges I’m there when I stand in front of the TV and he tells me to move.
My wife doesn’t appreciate me
Translation: If I didn’t bring home my paycheck, my wife would have left me long ago for the electrician who worked on the apartment last week. He managed to say more kind things to her in half an hour than I have in 15 years.
My husband doesn’t listen to me
What it means: He comes home, sits in front of the TV or Xbox, never looks up from his phone, and answers with one-word replies. Even the electrician was more attentive and kind.
I’m the only one trying
I want to spend the next hour uninterrupted reading my partner every fault and how much I sacrifice. You — the therapist — will occasionally nod understandingly, and we’ll exchange incredulous looks when my spouse comes up with some ridiculous excuse. After a few sessions, my partner will realize how badly they’ve been behaving and how angelic I am. You — the therapist — and I will applaud and pop the champagne. Then, our marriage will work perfectly, and we’ll happily walk off into the sunset.
In closing, couples therapy is a wonderful and useful tool, but it only works if both partners have realistic expectations going in.
