Even past forty, we struggle with men who haven’t quite grown up. You’d think a middle-aged person would have long entered adulthood, but reality can be a letdown.
The Scene
I swear he seemed normal until I went up to his place. This guy had known for two days that he’d be hosting me, and don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting everything to sparkle, but I was stunned. The sink was piled high with dirty dishes ("Don’t go into the kitchen, it smells bad, sorry"), he had to clear dirty laundry off the couch so I could sit down. The cracked window was held together with duct tape, his TV was balancing on a plastic crate, the bedroom had no bed frame—just a stained mattress on the floor—and the nightstand was a cardboard box. If we were twenty, I wouldn’t bat an eye, but this was a divorced dad of two!
Responsibly
On the second date, he suggested I quit my job, sell my apartment, and travel the world with him. I asked what would happen when the money ran out. He said not to be "grounded," that’s a problem for the future.
The Schedule
We chatted for two days, and I told him I was looking for a serious relationship. We met, the date went well, then as he walked me home, he casually explained that if we "got together," he could only meet me once a week, every Thursday between 5 and 7 pm, "hope that’s okay."
The Driver
We arranged to meet. I’m 38, he’s 45. He said he didn’t have a car, which I didn’t mind. I have a car, but since we were going for wine, I didn’t drive. After the date, he said he’d walk me to the bus stop. I told him the last time I took a bus home from a date was in my teens; at 38, in heels at 10 pm, I’d rather call a taxi. He said he didn’t have a license either and since his home was on the way, I should get dropped off there. It was quite a detour, but he took me home. When we said goodbye, he didn’t offer to chip in for the fare, then the next day he messaged asking when I could drive over to pick up some stuff from a friend. After one date, this guy looked like a driver and mover.
And your hobby?
It was odd to hear a 44-year-old man say he spends his free time in front of a game console and likes to get high…
Excuse me?
With a poker face, he said he doesn’t mind if a woman stays over a lot because then he can cancel the cleaning lady and save money since he won’t have to order food. He told me this on the first date and was surprised when I laughed and said, sorry, but I’m not your mom or housekeeper.
Goodbye
After the third date, we agreed I’d come up and he’d cook something. I’d been there for half an hour when suddenly an older lady came out of a room. The guy introduced her as his mom. I was surprised because he hadn’t said she lived with him, and my first thought was maybe he was her caregiver, but mom was in good shape. As she went back to her room, she called out, "Don’t be loud, wash my dishes, and don’t kick my rugs around!" It turned out the guy was living with his mom at 43, and he didn’t understand why I had a problem with that.
Serious
He wrote that he understood I was looking for a serious relationship, then on the date said he recently divorced and now only wanted “a casual connection mostly about physicality.”
Armand
Armand had no hobbies but two favorite clubs and a favorite DJ. At 47, he said he was looking for a woman who wouldn’t mind that he parties until dawn every Friday and Saturday. (No judgment here, but those clubs are mostly for teens and twenty-somethings, and I already felt old at 32 there…)
The Diagnosis
Back in the day, my friends and I described guys as “Balázs is a loner but mysterious and sexy” or “Zoli is impulsive but clearly has deep feelings.” Now, for similar middle-aged men, we say things like “Jenő has undiagnosed anxiety and a need to please” or “Dezső handles his midlife crisis by trying to be twenty again, but it’s not working.”
