Closed Off
I once read that as adults, we have fewer friends not just because work and family take up our time, but because after thirty, we’re not as open as we were in our twenties. That rings true—I remember as a kid, I could make new best friends in five minutes at the playground, and that kind of magic lasted well into my late twenties.
But after thirty, I don’t dare ask my coworker if she wants to join me at the new Pilates studio around the corner. I notice I’m more withdrawn, irritable, and less patient than before, so fewer people seem to get past my "filter."
Giving Up
I tried making friends at a Zumba camp, a bus city tour, volunteering at an animal shelter, and group hikes—but no luck. My only close friend now is my sister, who’s busy with her three kids.
A Shame
Every study points to the same truth: the key to happiness in later life isn’t just a good marriage or money, but close human connections—friends. Those with friends are proven to be happier, healthier in body and mind, and live longer.
I’m 45 and haven’t made a single new friend in 18 years, but I lost two. One was after a falling out, the other passed away suddenly from a quick illness. Right now, I have three people I dare call friends, and I cherish them deeply. I nurture these bonds because I want to be a happy, not lonely, old lady.
The Armor
Here’s why making friends as an adult is tough: we’ve all felt heartbreak, betrayal, rejection, humiliation, and disappointment. When you’re younger, it’s easier to bounce back. As we age, we build armor to protect ourselves—and it’s not easy to break through.
We’ve all opened up to someone who then abused our trust, laughed at us, or shared our secrets. After that, we think twice about who we bare our souls to next.
The Surface
I’m 38 with three girlfriends I’ve known for over twenty years. One was my childhood neighbor, another a classmate, and the third I met at my first job. They’re my close friends.
I also have four other girlfriends I met as adults—at work, yoga class, or through my ex’s circle. They’re great women, but our bond feels more surface-level since we don’t share a past that holds us together. That’s why deep friendships are hard to form as adults—there’s no shared history weaving our stories.
Oops
At 34, I woke up one day to find my husband wanted a divorce—and no one to call and cry to. There’s Zsuzsi, also a mom, but we only talk about kids. Fanni, a coworker, and I sometimes grab coffee after work, but we’ve never done anything else together. Zoé is my neighbor, and we’re friendly, but mostly just chat online. Years have passed since I lost touch with my old friends, and that day was the first time I felt truly alone.
What Circle?
I’m always surprised when women in their thirties talk about their "circle of friends." What circle? I have two girlfriends who don’t even know each other… Often, it turns out their "circle" is just their boyfriend’s friends and their girlfriends or wives. To me, that’s more of a social group than true friendship—friendship is deeper.
Set Aside
When my kids got older and I had a moment to realize my childhood friends had drifted away, I reached out to reconnect. Some weren’t interested, some didn’t reply, but two answered—and since then, we consciously keep in touch. At 30 or 40, you won’t form the same deep friendships you did when younger, so cherish the old ones.
The Hermit
I’m good on my own. All my girlfriends have had babies, but I don’t want to go to weddings, baby showers, or kids’ birthday parties. My life is different—I don’t care if their husbands are lazy or what little Johnny or Julie drew at preschool. I’ve checked out for now. If they get divorced or the kids grow up and we can talk about other things, I’ll welcome them back with open arms as friends. But for now, I’m not interested.
A Different Path
I had my first child at 23, while my friends were still partying and dating. We kept in touch superficially, and now, over a decade later, we’re reconnecting as they settle down and start having kids. It’s not easy—some have babies while my son is already a tween—but motherhood gives us a strong foundation to keep our friendships going.
