Men love to weasel out of housework, but we see right through it.
Once...
Once, I asked my ex to help with the kid. I was potty-training my little boy, and it was supposed to be the "man of the house’s" job to teach him to pee standing up. He said he wasn’t cut out for that and I’d probably do it better. I had to remind him I don’t have a penis.
Better
My love tries to get out of every chore by saying, “Honey, you do it faster / prettier / better than I do…” Nowadays I reply, “That’s true, which is exactly why you need the practice.” Come on over here and fold the clean laundry, sweetheart! (I’m not falling for it anymore.)
Declaration
When I was on maternity leave, he said he doesn’t do housework because “it’s unpaid.”
Where is it?
For two months, I begged him to hang two hooks in the laundry room, but his excuse every time was that he couldn’t do it because he had no idea where the tape measure was. He told me to find it myself. We were in his house—where he’d lived for 20 years—but he expected me to find the tape. Eventually, I bought him one so he couldn’t use that excuse anymore.
Experience
When the baby was born, he refused to help, saying “this is new to me because I’ve never been a dad.” But it was my first child too! He said it was different because I had maternal instincts and “knew what to do.” I told him if he meant he had no paternal instincts, he should’ve said so upfront—I wouldn’t have had a kid with him otherwise…
Quickly
“I’m going out for a quick smoke.” I know this one well—it means he’ll be on the phone with some buddy for an hour.
The light bulb
We needed to replace a light bulb in the tall entryway. First excuse: no bulb at home and he always forgets to buy one. When I bought it, he said the ladder wasn’t tall enough. When I borrowed a ladder from the neighbor, he was just starting a movie. In the end, I called the neighbor’s son to do it, and I slipped him $6 from my boyfriend’s wallet.
The wrinkles
We were newlyweds when I enthusiastically ironed his shirts. Once, he pointed out some wrinkles here and there and told me to pay attention next time. I looked at him and said, “Obviously, you iron much better than I do.” That was ten years ago, and I haven’t ironed a single thing of his since.
Throning
Every month, he promises to help more (which is better than nothing) with housework. Usually, he starts tidying up, “helps” for two minutes, then says he needs to go to the bathroom. There, he sits for about 40 minutes and only comes out when I’m done. When I called him out, he got offended, saying he can’t control his digestion. From then on, I sat down too as soon as he left and only got up when he was done, saying, “Alright, let’s continue!”
The game
Here’s how it goes: I ask my boyfriend to do something in the afternoon, and he says he’s playing (some silly video game) and will do it in the evening. He finishes after midnight and says he’ll do it in the morning. But on weekends, the first thing he does is sit at the computer, and the whole vicious cycle starts again.
