"He grabbed the candle instead of the shot" What's your funniest bar story?

At the bar, I watched a shady-looking guy sneak over to a table, glance around cautiously, then grab what looked like a shot glass and gulp it down. But it wasn’t a shot glass—it was a candle, so instead of booze, he poured hot wax into his mouth.

I witnessed a group of girls sneak an empty beer mug into the bathroom, then come back giggling with it filled with some cloudy, yellowish liquid. It was obvious they had peed in it. They found a drunk guy and bet he couldn’t chug the whole mug of “beer.” I watched in horror as he downed it, slammed the mug on the table, and said, “This beer’s warm and watered down.”

One of our middle-aged regulars suddenly got sick. We called an ambulance, and when they cut off his pants, we saw a cucumber taped to his inner thigh.

A couple was loudly arguing at the bar. The woman was pregnant, and the man wanted to be with her, but her father forbade it. An hour later, her parents arrived, and the dad, red-faced, yelled at the guy that he’d never see his daughter again. Then he suddenly choked, collapsed, and his face turned purple.

The guy immediately grabbed a straw, pulled out his pocket knife, and performed an emergency tracheotomy while the woman and her mother sobbed in panic. The dad’s first breath after was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. While waiting for the ambulance, he held the guy’s hand with tears in his eyes, and the woman’s mother hugged and kissed her son-in-law. I love happy endings.

I was out drinking with coworkers in a packed bar when someone accidentally bumped me so hard that a straw went up my nose, causing it to bleed badly. The four colleagues reacted wildly differently: one fainted at the sight of blood, another threw up, and the other two thought I’d been hit and started looking for the culprit to confront.

While washing dishes in the back of the bar, I had a small window overlooking the alley behind. From there, I witnessed drug deals, fights, and once even the owner’s fiancée giving oral sex to her future brother-in-law—just two weeks before the wedding.

I was outside smoking when I saw a drunk girl come out for fresh air while her partner—who’d been making out with her all night—went to the restroom and got drinks. She took a few deep breaths, then expertly tossed her hair back and projectile vomited all over the bar wall while also wetting herself (I saw it running down her leg). When she finished, she drank the rest of her drink, rinsed her mouth with it, then took off her underwear, wiped her legs, and stuffed it into her bag. She went back to their table just as her boyfriend returned with the drinks, and they carried on like nothing happened.

Before closing, one drunk girl went to the restroom while her equally drunk friend vomited all over the table and even into the glasses. The first girl came back, chugged the leftover vomit-filled beer, and they both stumbled out of the bar.

A group of drunk friends started shoving each other, then fighting, and finally took out all their anger on a poor car parked nearby. The next day, they came back and it turned out they had smashed their own car.

At a gay bar, a drunk woman in her fifties performed a bizarre pole dance on the bar’s pole. She first took off her top, then her skirt, and finally her underwear. By then, the bar was empty—everyone had fled. At the end, she slipped and fell off the bar, and while the bouncers escorted her out, she yelled for tips because “this wasn’t a free show.”