This is hard to write. Not because it hurts, but because for a long time I couldn't face it. It was easier to believe that she was the difficult one, the oversensitive one, the one who overreacted to everything.
I told myself that version for years. And then, at some point, it stopped adding up.
The moment something shifted
It wasn't a dramatic revelation. It was a small, uncomfortable thought I couldn't quite shake off.
Someone once asked me how my relationship ended. As I started telling the story, I stopped somewhere in the middle. Because what I was saying didn't quite match the way I remembered it.
So I started rewinding. Every argument. Every moment I'd insisted it was the other person's fault. And I realized that, in most cases, I was the one who started something.
The one who provoked, then acted offended. The one who expected my partner to read my mind, then blew up when they couldn't. The one who punished them when I didn't get exactly what I wanted.
What it actually means to be toxic
For a long time I thought a toxic person was someone who hurts you emotionally, who shouts, who humiliates. The loud, obvious version.
What I did was much quieter. I wanted control. Not consciously, not out of malice, but constantly. Who my partner spent time with. How they reacted to me. How much they gave me.
When something didn't go the way I'd pictured it, I didn't say so. Instead I went cold, or did something that hurt them, and then wondered why they were pulling away. I got jealous of things that didn't deserve jealousy.
I emotionally blackmailed them without ever recognizing it as blackmail. I believed that if someone truly loves you, they'll put up with anything. And I believed that whatever hurt inside me was automatically the other person's responsibility.
Why it's so hard to admit
Because we're the defenders of our own image. Our brains are always searching for proof that we were the better one, the more wronged one, the one who was right.
Especially when something genuinely hurt us too — and it usually does. In most toxic dynamics, both people suffer. That doesn't let the other person off the hook, but it doesn't let me off either.
What helped me was letting go of the story. The version where I'm the main character who deserved more. I started asking myself different questions: What might she have felt? What did she see? What was I actually doing in the moments I told myself I was "just reacting"?
The answers weren't flattering.
What came after
I'm not going to tell you I forgave myself and everything fell into place. It's not that simple, and it doesn't happen that fast.
What did happen: I started to see the pattern. Not only in that relationship, but in the ones before it too. I realized I keep doing certain things the same way, and that those things cause pain to the people around me.
It's not a pleasant thing to notice. But it's one of the most useful realizations I've ever had.
Because until you see what you're doing, you can't change it. Until then, you end up in the same place in every new relationship — just with a different person and a different backdrop.
I'm not saying I'm perfect now, because I'm not. But there's a difference between not knowing something and knowing it while actively working on it.
I was the toxic one. For a long time I didn't know it. Now I do. And as painful as that is to say out loud, it's the first genuinely useful thing that this relationship left me with.
How do you know if you were the toxic one in a relationship?
Often it shows up as a pattern: provoking then acting hurt, expecting your partner to read your mind, withdrawing instead of communicating, or punishing them when you don't get what you want. Recognizing the pattern is the first step.
Can toxic behavior be unintentional?
Yes. It can happen without malice or full awareness. Wanting control, emotional blackmail or jealousy can all show up quietly, without you consciously deciding to hurt anyone.
Why is it so hard to admit you were toxic?
Because we instinctively defend our own image and look for proof that we were the more wronged one. When something hurt us too, it becomes even easier to overlook our own role.
What's the first step toward changing toxic patterns?
Seeing the pattern clearly. Until you recognize what you're doing, you can't change it, and you'll likely repeat it in every new relationship with a different person.
