“About 10 years ago, when I wrote my first post about “nesting,” very few people had heard of it,” says Ann Gold Buscho, author of A Better Divorce. “Back in the mid-1990s, my ex and I tried it, and since then, I’ve helped many clients set up nesting arrangements. To me, it’s clear that most parents can make this work with well-documented agreements.”
Today, more and more people are learning about nesting, and increasing numbers of divorcing couples consult lawyers and mental health professionals about its benefits. Nesting can offer many advantages when parents share custody.
What Is Nesting?
Nesting is an arrangement where the children stay in the family home, and the parents take turns living there according to an agreed schedule. The parent on duty stays home with the kids, while the off-duty parent usually stays elsewhere.
Where does the off-duty parent stay? Depending on the situation, they might share a separate studio or apartment, stay with friends or family, or rent a dedicated space together. During the pandemic, many nesting plans included the off-duty parent staying at home but in the attic or a separate bedroom, if the kids’ rooms could be rearranged.
Why Consider Nesting?
Because it’s great for the kids. When you put your children’s well-being before your own feelings, nesting offers a solid structure that brings safety, consistency, and stability. Kids adjust to having one parent at a time without the hassle of packing or moving. Their bonds with both parents stay strong. Their stress eases.
It’s good for the parents too. Nesting ends the stress and conflicts in your marriage by minimizing direct contact. You get time to adjust to single parenting and space to process your emotions, so you can make clear decisions about your marriage’s future. Having time to adapt makes divorce easier, even if you decide to go through with it.
How Long Should This Living Arrangement Last?
You can live this way for a short time, while you decide whether to divorce or work on your relationship. You might nest until a milestone like selling the house, the school year’s end, or the final divorce. Or you can nest indefinitely. You can nest until you reconcile or until you and your spouse are ready to divorce. The nesting plan should include when to notify and what steps to take when one party is ready to move on. “Many of my clients have lived this way for years,” says Buscho. “No matter how long it lasts, your children benefit from the stability and consistency of their routines.”
