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"My parrot has to live its life without arms." - 10 Funny Things People Said Drunk

Angela Price3 min read
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"My parrot has to live its life without arms." - 10 Funny Things People Said Drunk — Leisure
In this article

The Kids

The Kids
My friend drunkenly confessed—on the subway home to everyone around—that she’s in love with Naruto but worries about their future. She wondered if their kids would be real or anime characters, which made everything complicated. She was so worried she even cried.

The Teacher

The Teacher
In my twenties, I ran into my old high school homeroom teacher at a concert. Since I was tipsy, I don’t remember much, but my friends told me that after I hugged her, we chatted briefly, and then I raised my hand to ask if I could go to the bathroom.

No Returns

No Returns
My wife came home at dawn from her colleague’s bachelorette party. Instead of getting into bed, I heard her rummaging through our papers. When I asked what she was looking for, she was holding our marriage certificate with a lighter and drunkenly shouted, “You can never leave me! Good luck returning me without a receipt!”

Who Will Drive Me Home Drunk?

Who Will Drive Me Home Drunk?
My buddy got drunk, so I drove him home. An hour later, he called asking if I could come pick him up because he was drunk. I told him to check where he was. After a pause, he said, “At home.” I said, “Alright, bye then.” He replied, “So, are you coming to get me or not?”

Short Walk

Short Walk
My fiancé, who won’t drive or complain even for a 10-minute walk when sober, once walked 15 km (9 miles) home drunk from a party. When I asked in disbelief how he managed that, he mumbled half-asleep, “I switched on autopilot.”

Celestial Body

Celestial Body
On a pub crawl, we lost our very drunk friend. On the phone, we tried to figure out where she wandered off. When we asked her to look around and name something recognizable, she just said, “I see the Moon.”

The Delay

The Delay
My friend came home drunk at dawn while I was heating my breakfast in the microwave. “What time is it?” he asked, then looked at the microwave’s display showing 53 seconds left. He said, “53? Damn, I’m late.” Then he went to bed.

Touched

Touched
At a club, a girl was crying in the bathroom because “her parrot has to live its life without arms.” Her friends asked if I had a hair tie to help with her hair. I gave them one, and the drunk girl was so moved she insisted I must be at her wedding in two weeks.

Trick Question

Trick Question
My husband got pretty drunk at a house party, held my head, looked me in the eyes, and seriously asked who I thought was the best guy in the world. I said it was him, but he got upset and said no, it was Hugh Jackman! He ended up falling asleep on the floor, and in the morning, I found our little boy surrounded by toys, pretending his dad was Gulliver in Lilliput.

Last Stop

Last Stop
My pre-party warm-up was so successful that I fell asleep on the bus heading to the house party. The driver didn’t notice, so I woke up hours later in the bus garage. I ruined the party because everyone looked for me for hours—even my ex.
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