How to ask without turning it into a trial
Vague requests get vague results. "I need you to be more emotionally available" invites defensiveness; "when I tell you about a hard day, I want you to ask me a question before you suggest anything" is something a person can actually do on Tuesday. Name the specific moment, the specific behaviour, and what it would mean to you.
Ask at a calm hour, not mid-argument. Be prepared for him to have requests of his own, and to find them inconvenient. And watch what happens over weeks rather than minutes. A partner who hears it, gets it slightly wrong, and keeps trying is giving you far more information than one who delivers a perfect speech and changes nothing.
Is it fair to expect emotional availability from a partner?
Yes — wanting to be known by the person you share a life with is not an unreasonable or modern indulgence. What is unfair is expecting it to arrive fully formed without ever naming it, or treating a partner's slower learning curve as proof of indifference. Fairness lies in asking clearly and then judging effort over time.
What if he says he does not know how?
Take that as useful honesty rather than a refusal, and get concrete together: one habit at a time, starting with repair after conflict, which tends to change the atmosphere fastest. If the pattern underneath is older and heavier — a childhood where feelings were dangerous, say, or persistent low mood — a couples counsellor or individual therapist is a reasonable next step rather than a last resort.
