The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship can be tough for many. Some only know it from romantic movies, while others experience it firsthand at family dinners: constant criticism, unsolicited advice, or even open hostility can quickly create tension.
It’s not uncommon for even public figures to face this: recently, Brooklyn Beckham revealed on Instagram that his wife, Nicola Peltz Beckham, found it challenging to connect with Victoria and David Beckham, and their relationship has since become strained.
So what can you do if your mother-in-law isn’t fond of you either? Here are expert tips to help you manage the situation without it wearing you down.
1. Talk Through Boundaries with Your Partner
Before confronting your mother-in-law, discuss the issues first with your partner. According to Lisa Chen, a couples therapist, these conflicts often arise because parents struggle to accept that their child is forming a new family unit, which means their influence naturally decreases.
Nari Jeter, also a couples therapist, suggests setting clear rules together: decide how much time you spend together, which topics to avoid (like finances or fertility), and how often you visit each other weekly. Being a united team with your partner lays a strong foundation if you need to address issues later – writes SELF.
2. Choose Your Battles Wisely
Small comments can easily get under your skin: criticism of your cooking, parenting style, or comparisons to other daughters-in-law. Jeter advises not reacting to every little thing because it can drain your energy.
Learn to pick your moments: respond to repeated, unacceptable remarks, but let the smaller incidents slide. Think of it like a ball being thrown your way—you don’t have to catch every one; sometimes it’s better to dodge.
Sometimes, a neutral withdrawal or changing the subject is the smartest move.
3. Be Polite and Don’t Force Friendship
Movies and Instagram often set unrealistic expectations: not every mother-in-law needs to be your best friend. Both Jeter and Chen emphasize that a neutral, polite relationship is perfectly fine.
This might mean keeping conversations light, not sharing personal details, and not pushing for close bonding. Politeness can be powerful: you don’t have to love someone to keep the relationship manageable.
4. Let Go of the Need to Change Them
Many believe the goal with a difficult mother-in-law is to fix the relationship. Chen suggests it’s often better to focus on managing behaviors rather than trying to change the person.
If you face ongoing disrespect, stand your ground firmly—but keep it short and clear: for example, "We’ll only stay until 7 today" or "We prefer not to discuss this topic".
The goal isn’t to "please" but to protect your relationship with yourself and your partner.
5. Give Yourself Time to Process After Visits
Even the most prepared can feel drained after a tense family lunch. Chen recommends planning some “cool-down” time afterward: leaving separately by car, sharing a quiet dinner, or simply relaxing together. These habits help ease tension and keep your relationship with your partner strong.
While there’s no one-size-fits-all fix for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflicts, setting boundaries, conserving your energy, and keeping realistic expectations can help you coexist peacefully—or even get along well. And never forget: no one has to tolerate repeated disrespect, not even family.
