A 2017 American study paints a very different picture of infidelity than what movies or TV shows suggest. Published in the Journal of Family Psychology, it analyzed responses from over 13,000 married individuals between 2000 and 2016. The question was simple: “If you’ve had an extramarital sexual relationship, who was it with?”
Most People Don’t Cheat with Strangers
More than half of respondents—54%—admitted to cheating with someone close to them. This isn’t about a one-time, unexpected encounter or a one-night stand in most cases, but someone they had already shared life with. Plus, another 30% said their affair was with a coworker, neighbor, or old acquaintance.
Only 21% mentioned cheating with a casual partner, and just 8% reported so-called "transactional" sexual encounters, meaning the affair involved an exchange of money or favors. It’s important to note that respondents could select multiple answers since not everyone cheated just once.
Men and Women Approach This Differently
While both genders most often cheated with someone they knew, men were more likely to have affairs with strangers. About 24% of unfaithful men admitted to casual encounters, compared to only 16% of women. The gap widens with transactional sex: 7% of men versus 1% of women.
This partly reflects gender differences in openness to casual sex, but it may also show that men more often find themselves tempted in “opportunistic” situations—like business trips, sleeping apart, or vacations.
So, Why a Friend?
Here’s the emotional side: cheating often isn’t just about physical desire. People usually seek something more. More attention, understanding, intimacy—things they might be missing at home. These feelings are easier to find with someone you already know, even if only somewhat.
Trust, shared history, and regular meetings can all lay the groundwork for a deeply emotional connection.
Think about it: who’s there when you vent about your partner? Who listens, compliments you, or just regularly shares lunch at work? Behind these “innocent” closenesses, something more can often be brewing—especially if your current relationship lacks emotional fulfillment. You might respect boundaries for a while, but then something happens—a company party, a big fight at home—and those firm promises of loyalty can easily fade.
So, cheating is often not a sudden temptation, but the result of a slowly growing bond. That doesn’t excuse anyone’s responsibility, but it helps us understand why things happen in relationships. If we spot the signs of drifting apart early, there’s still a chance to turn things around—with honest talks, attention, and working together on solutions.
