What’s next when you no longer desire the other person?
The Kids
We have four kids, and my wife’s body changed a bit after each birth, and I guess I don’t need to say it was not for the better. Of course, I expected this, but I didn’t expect how I would react. I love my wife – who is an amazing mom – but as it turns out, I’m a shallow guy because I can no longer see her as an object of desire.
We went to therapy to fix our nonexistent sex life, and it helped—her desire returned, but mine didn’t. So much so that recently—for the first time ever—I turned down her advances in bed. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t want a divorce because otherwise, we get along well, but I doubt I’ll ever desire her again.
Charm
My wife is still attractive, but I no longer see anything beautiful in her. The kindness has faded from our marriage, and with it, tenderness. The other day she snapped at me, and when I looked at her, it felt like I was seeing her for the first time. She stood there with a dull frown—deep lines between her eyebrows—and slapped her thigh to get my attention.
I thought about how much I used to love kissing that thigh in another life, but now I wouldn’t even touch it if I were paid. Not that she’d let me—she probably finds me even more repulsive than I do her.
Fitness
We’d been together six years when Covid hit. We reacted differently: I ordered a bunch of weights and gym equipment and got ripped in the garage, while she started snacking and binge-watching shows. Before, we were both average—not overweight, not muscular, just a little extra here and there.
By the third year of the pandemic, I was a fitness fanatic with abs, and she weighed nearly 200 lbs at 160 cm (5’3") tall. We didn’t even have to say anything; our breakup was completely natural—not just because of appearances, but because we had become different people.
Shape and Form
My wife was a knockout when I married her—someone who turned heads on the street. Since having kids, she’s gained a few pounds, which wouldn’t be a problem—I like a little softness to hold onto—but she’s gained weight in a very unflattering way.
The six pounds she can’t lose wouldn’t be an issue if it were on her hips, butt, or thighs, but it all went to her upper body. She has broad shoulders and back, and worst of all, her waist is wider than her hips.
I know it’s genetics and not her fault, but I don’t know what to do with the fact that I no longer desire her. I’d never say it aloud, but her body has become so masculine that it doesn’t turn me on. The “luck” is that her libido has basically disappeared since having kids, and she doesn’t push for intimacy. I’m not cheating; for now, I’m handling things with porn.
The Illness
My girlfriend told me early on that she’s prone to depression, not just the kind sad people exaggerate, but officially diagnosed. I didn’t care because I was head over heels from our first meeting, and our first three years together were pure heaven.
I even bought the engagement ring and planned to propose on vacation. Then, out of nowhere, the depression hit, and we didn’t go on that trip. It’s been a year and a half since, and we haven’t traveled because she’s not well. She doesn’t bathe, doesn’t wash her hair, and stays in bed all day.
I’m trying to support her, but I don’t know how much longer I can. Not only am I no longer attracted to her, but I can’t even see her as a woman anymore. I’m waiting for a miracle so she gets better and I get back the person I fell in love with. I still haven’t given her the ring.
