Being alone can hurt more when you're in a couple than when you're single.
Here's the strangest part of my story: when I was single, everyone felt sorry for me — even though there was no reason to. But when I spent years quietly falling apart in a bad relationship, everyone envied me. How could I possibly be lonely next to a handsome, wealthy fiancé? The truth is, I was at my most miserable exactly when no one was worried about me.
When loneliness moved in with us
When I was single and craved someone, at least I knew what to do about it. But I was completely lost when loneliness moved into our "marital home."
It ate dinner with me at the table. It slept beside me in bed. It wore a wedding ring on its finger. Finding a way out of that kind of loneliness was almost impossible.
The stranger across the room
The saddest moments were the ones when I looked at my husband from the other side of the room. This was the man who had seen me cry so many times, who had been young with me, who knew my family and my past — and yet he felt like a stranger.
We still talked, sure. But beyond who was picking up the kids or who should call the plumber, we said nothing real to each other. The one person who should have seen me more clearly than anyone else had stopped seeing me a long time ago.
The moment I finally understood
Today I can say it out loud: I'm relationship-dependent. But it took many painful years spent inside couples to admit it.
My best friend, Panni, actually loves being single — the very thought of it terrifies me. She always told me that being lonely in a relationship is far worse than being lonely on your own. I never believed her. Now I know she was right.
My last partner looked straight through me, as if I didn't exist. Every day together hurt, but I didn't dare leave, because I was scared of ending up alone. Eventually Panni had enough and helped me move out — and after just three "lonely" weeks, I jumped straight into another relationship. Looking back, she was right all along: being with my ex was worse than being alone.
Why it was simpler on my own
I've been lonely as a single woman and lonely as a married one. The second kind was worse — because I kept blaming myself for it.
The pain of unwanted presence
When I didn't have a partner, I worked, I trained, I grabbed a spontaneous coffee with colleagues or went out with friends. At home I lost myself in series, and if I needed to, I called my "friends with benefits" guy — so I never really felt like I was missing anything. I was single, but my life was full, exciting, and mine to enjoy.
Next to my ex, though, I was simply unhappy. In the evenings I didn't want to go home to him, because even his presence made me feel sick. He cut me off from my friends, and I have never felt as lonely in my entire life as I did back then. I still don't understand why I didn't walk away sooner.
Love as a one-way transaction
When you're alone, emotionally you get nothing — but you also give nothing. When I was married, I gave and gave. I gave care, because I washed, cooked, and ironed for him. I gave attention, because I listened to his complaints about work and his family worries. I gave affection and intimacy too — and got nothing in return.
By the end, I felt like I had given everything away and had nothing left inside me. That emptiness was much harder to bear than ordinary loneliness.
Living like two roommates
As a single woman, I miss love a little — but only in flashes: a kiss, a gentle touch, curling up together on the couch at night. Funnily enough, looking back, I didn't have any of that even when I was in a relationship.
In our final year together, I don't think we kissed or cuddled in front of the TV even once. We just existed side by side, like two flatmates — or really, two strangers — and for some reason, neither of us could bring ourselves to say it was over.
The loneliest place in the world
When you have no one, you come home to an empty flat, you eat alone, you watch your shows alone. In other words, you know exactly why you feel lonely. The cause is being on your own — something you can name and accept.
But nobody prepares you for how devastating it is to be lonely inside a marriage. At least no one ever told me that the loneliest place in the world isn't an empty apartment. It's a home with two people in it who no longer love each other.
Can you really feel lonely in a relationship?
Yes. As this story shows, loneliness in a relationship comes from emotional distance — living beside someone who no longer sees you, listens to you, or connects with you.
Why can loneliness in a relationship hurt more than being single?
Because when you're single, you can name the cause and accept it. In an unhappy relationship, you often blame yourself and feel emptied out from giving without ever getting anything back.
What is relationship dependency?
In the article, it means an intense fear of being alone that pushes someone from one relationship straight into another — even when staying single might be healthier.
Why do people stay in unhappy relationships?
Often out of fear of ending up alone. In this story, the author admits she didn't dare leave despite the daily pain, simply because the thought of being on her own frightened her more.
