OPINION: Borka Shoemaker
They say you find out who your true friends are in tough times—and I’ve experienced this many times in my life. When a relationship falls apart, we lose a job, a family member gets sick, or we simply feel the ground pulled from beneath us, it becomes crystal clear who stands by us and who suddenly doesn’t have time. Who answers the phone at midnight, listens to the same story for the tenth time, runs errands with us, or just sits quietly by our side.
I feel an indescribable gratitude toward the friends who stood by me in those moments. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard later to ask: what if our paths diverge? What if life takes us in different directions and we no longer enjoy each other’s company? What if the boundaries of the friendship start to feel tight, while the past makes us feel we owe this friendship something?
For a long time, I believed that true friendships are forever—and what could be more real than a friendship that stood by me during my darkest days?
These life moments create an unspoken contract: you were there when things were worst, so I won’t walk away now.
Loyalty, gratitude, and moral duty quickly mix into a binding cement, making us feel stuck. But over the years, I’ve realized gratitude doesn’t equal lifelong commitment.
Sometimes Moving Forward Together Doesn’t Work
People change, and dynamics formed in a crisis aren’t always healthy long-term. Maybe back then, we needed someone stronger to guide or advise us. But once we stand on our own feet, we crave a different connection. Equality. Lightness. Mutuality. Sometimes the friendship smoothly adapts to this new role, and we continue our journey together. But not always.
Sometimes a friend can’t step out of the “rescuer” role. They keep advising, correcting, controlling. Or the shared past becomes the main focus: we keep revisiting the same memories, picking at the same wounds. It’s as if the friendship’s identity is stuck in the hard times, blocking us from moving on.
Then the Question Arises: Should We Stay Just Out of Gratitude?
I believe the answer isn’t black and white. Gratitude doesn’t need to be denied. I couldn’t even if I tried. We don’t have to rewrite the past. I wouldn’t want to. Just because the relationship no longer works today doesn’t change that this person’s presence once saved my life. We can respect and appreciate what someone gave us, while recognizing the relationship no longer nourishes us.
Friendship isn’t a debt. We don’t owe it to maintain the same level or form forever.
Of course, how we drift apart matters. There’s a big difference between quietly “disappearing” and honestly sharing that we’ve changed. Avoiding conflict is often easier but leaves more guilt behind. Sometimes it’s enough that meetings become less frequent, the bond loosens, and the relationship naturally transforms. Other times, it’s worth saying: we’re heading in different directions.
Perhaps the hardest part is the inner work of accepting that gratitude doesn’t demand self-sacrifice. That we can be good people even when we set boundaries. That it’s not betrayal if a relationship no longer fits into our lives. Friendships have life cycles—and sometimes they end, no one’s fault, just part of being human.
