Timing
When Barni and I got together, we were totally head over heels. I was sure he was the one: we loved the same music and movies, and we both worked in theater. We were 26 and dated for three years. As we neared 30, I brought up the “future together” a few times, but he always said not to rush it, that we were still young. By 29, I didn’t want to wait anymore and said goodbye. Then I met a wonderful man and had two kids with him.
I ran into Barni at a theater event when we were both 43. He told me that when he turned 35, he noticed all his friends were married with kids, so he quickly married the “first woman who came along” and started a family. Sadly, he mentioned his wife loves totally different music and movies than he does and thinks theater is frivolous.
Running Away
One of my exes said I was the one who “ran away.” I asked how I could run away when I was his and dreamed of being his wife and having a family? He said he just wasn’t ready to settle down then. That reminded me of the taxi theory from Sex and the City: if a man’s light is on, it doesn’t matter which woman gets in—she’s the one.
The Bitter Truth
No matter how beautiful, smart, or irresistible a woman is, she can’t force a man who isn’t interested in marriage or not ready for it.
The Value
My great love left me because he still wanted to "live." Then came a decent guy who wanted to marry me no matter what, but I knew he wasn’t the one. Three years later, my "true" great love came back, and a month later we were married. That was 12 years ago, and now we’re getting divorced. The point is, marriage doesn’t define your worth as a person.
Ready
My great love said he wasn’t ready yet and asked me to stop pushing about the wedding. I stopped pushing and left him. In revenge, he married the first woman who came along, but they divorced two years later. At 42, he remarried because—he said—he hit a midlife crisis and wanted kids, then divorced again. Now at 54, we’re back together and he proposed. I have no intention of marrying him and I find it funny how much that annoys him.
Circumstances
I’ve noticed men’s decisions to marry don’t depend on how deeply they love a woman—if they’re even in love at all—but on their circumstances. Got promoted? Bought a place? If life fits marriage well, they marry the woman who’s “right there.”
Status
My brother married his current girlfriend because all his close colleagues and bosses were married, and at work events it looked more serious to introduce her as his wife instead of his girlfriend.
Parental Pressure
When I dated my ex, his parents didn’t approve because they thought university was more important than dating. But once he graduated (we were no longer together), got a job, and took out a mortgage, they started pushing him to find a nice wife and then grandchildren, since they weren’t getting any younger. He obediently married one of his best friend’s fiancée’s friends.
Love? Not Really!
My mom already told me that men’s urge to marry usually has little to do with love and more to do with who’s available at the moment.
Strategy
Two of my exes married the girlfriends who came after me within two years of our breakups. It took me a while to understand it wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough or that the wives had deeper bonds—it was just that they were in the right place at the right time.
