Husbands in happy marriages share their thoughts on the toughest parts of marriage.
Keeping Score
The hardest part is not keeping score in my head. Not counting how two weeks ago I wanted hummus for dinner but we ended up ordering sushi because my wife craved it. How I asked something yesterday and she snapped at me because she was grumpy—and she still hasn’t apologized. Or how she called me three times asking what protein powder to get from the store, even though I wrote it down and messaged her, but I patiently answered her every time.
The problem is I subconsciously tally how many times I’ve been generous or kind and how many times she hasn’t. And by my count, I’m way ahead in being the nice one.
The Kids
Our parenting styles are totally different—I’m stricter, she’s very lenient. She thinks I traumatize the kids with my toughness; I think she’s raising sensitive, soft kids.
What to Eat
The biggest daily challenge is deciding what to eat. We both cook and order in, and the conversation always goes like this: One of us asks what to eat or where to order from. The other says, “I don’t mind.” Then one suggests something, and the other replies, “Oh no, not that…” And it goes on. Every. Single. Day.
Money
Money. She spends on things I think are silly, and she thinks the same about my spending. But if she deserves a fiftieth handbag, then I deserve a fifth fishing rod.
The Middle Ground
Endless compromises. Last year I wanted to vacation in Tunisia, but we ended up in Egypt because my wife convinced me it was better. I wanted my son to play soccer and my daughter to do track, but my wife decided my son would play piano and my daughter would ballet dance. I dreamed of a big jeep, but we got a large family car.
I wanted to stay in the city in a place with a terrace, but we moved to the suburbs. Now I sit in traffic every morning and evening, and on weekends I’m busy with the garden, shoveling snow, or mowing the lawn. I know my wife makes compromises too, but it’s still tough. Because these sacrifices are ongoing, never-ending. The hardest part is making sure compromises don’t turn into resentment.
Passion
Obviously, sex. We’ve been together for a decade, and our sex life is, at best, boring and mostly nonexistent. I really miss it; she doesn’t at all.
What to Watch
Our biggest challenge is deciding what to watch on TV. She won’t watch horror, I won’t watch romance; she hates my favorite shows, and I’m not interested in hers. Our evenings go like this: we spend an hour scrolling through thousands of streaming options, get tired, and go to bed without watching anything.
Work
We argue most about sharing housework. We even made a chart assigning tasks (who cooks doesn’t wash dishes, etc.), but somehow it always falls apart.
Sacrifice
Sacrificing my identity on the altar of our shared life. I can’t make decisions thinking only of myself because I have to consider both of us.
The In-Laws
My wife’s family—oh boy! My mother-in-law is the classic meddling older lady, and my father-in-law is an unbearable alcoholic who constantly stirs up fights with his extreme political views. My brother-in-law is a total freeloader who always borrows money and never pays it back. My sister-in-law is a clueless, know-it-all who thinks she can get away with anything just because she had four terribly behaved kids. Her husband is a real couch potato—put him in a corner and he stays there. And since my wife adores them, I have to spend every Sunday and holiday with this unbearable crew.
