Gel
My mom stayed over and found the raspberry-flavored lubricant in my nightstand. She didn’t know what it was, so I told her it was hair gel. She was puzzled about why I kept it by my bed, then even tried some on her hair.
The Rescue
I’d lost the will to ski and fell during a turn. My dad and brother found me minutes later, and I told them my back hurt and I couldn’t go on. I thought they’d leave me there and I’d walk down myself, but instead, they called mountain rescue. It took hours to get me down, then an ambulance took me to the hospital for spinal X-rays. Without insurance, it cost a fortune, and I’ve never admitted to my family that I was actually fine.
The Announcement
My friend told me she was pregnant, and I lied, saying it couldn’t be true because I’d known since my teens that I couldn’t have children. She cried and confessed she’d actually cheated. That ugly lie saved me from a really tough situation.
The Donut
Grandma warned us not to eat any sweets before Christmas lunch, but I couldn’t resist and snatched a donut. She noticed and got mad, so I blamed it on my chubby cousin Marci. Even though she denied it, no one believed her, and I got away with it. Ten years later, I finally confessed—I thought we’d laugh it off, but Grandma said she was deeply disappointed, and Marci hasn’t spoken to me since.
Innocence
That I’m a virgin. My husband still believes he was my first.
Nutcracker
My husband and I told our little boy that dream mice live in the walls and protect him at night—but only if he shells walnuts and pistachios for them. For years, he eagerly cracked nuts and peeled shells, happy the mice always ate them by morning. He was grown when we finally told him we were the ones snacking in front of the TV.
The Sadness
I lied to my fiancé that I’d lost the baby, but in reality, I had an abortion in secret. I no longer loved him and was seeing a coworker, but didn’t have the courage to tell him. I even blamed our breakup on my "miscarriage."
The Pill
I was 17 and after a party, I got an emergency contraceptive just to be safe. When I got home, I dropped my bag and my mom immediately spotted the pill among the spilled things. I couldn’t think of anything else to say but that it was dog medicine because she was allergic to the dog. That might have worked, but she wanted to give it to our dog Buksi right away. I had to convince her to wait until evening and find a harmless pill to give him instead, which she enthusiastically hid in ham and fed to the dog. In the end, I thought it would’ve been easier just to tell the truth.
Yes
The “I do” I mumbled at the altar, even though I’d known for years that I didn’t love this person anymore.
Languages
At a college party, a guy came over but I wasn’t interested, so I pretended to be French (though I don’t speak French) and gestured that I didn’t understand him. He left, and I thought I was free, but he came back with a friend who spoke French. When the friend realized I just stared blankly no matter what he said, I was so embarrassed I ran back to the dorm. For years after, whenever they saw me on campus, they’d greet me loudly with “bonjour”—so awkward!
