Sex education clearly has a lot to answer for. These stories, shared by real women, are equal parts hilarious and jaw-dropping — proof that some men have made it well into adulthood with some truly spectacular gaps in their knowledge of the female body.
The cord
My husband's big misconception came to light mid-labour. He genuinely believed that after the umbilical cord is cut, the doctor tucks the remaining cord back inside the mother's body. The midwife told him, deadpan, that a woman is not a vacuum cleaner that retracts its own cable. I burst out laughing — despite the fact that everything hurt.
Where does it all go?
I mentioned to a guy I was seeing that I was on the pill and therefore didn't get my period. He nodded thoughtfully and then asked: "So where does your body store the blood that doesn't come out?" I didn't know where to begin.
Enjoying the experience
On a first date, a man asked me — completely seriously — whether women enjoy their gynaecological exams, because the doctor is "rummaging around in there." Reader, there was no second date.
Perfectly synchronised
My older brother was convinced, well into his twenties, that every woman in the world menstruates at exactly the same time. Because of the moon. He said it with full confidence.
Unpasteurised
My bachelor uncle pulled me aside after I had my baby and asked, in complete seriousness, whether the baby might get sick from my breast milk — since it wasn't pasteurised. I told him not to worry, it's artisan, small-batch, and organic.
Mansplaining hygiene
At a house party, a guy I'd just met decided to educate me on feminine hygiene. He explained, with great authority, that women should wipe their vaginas with a soapy wet cloth after every single time they urinate — because that's what "clean women" do. I had to gently explain that a vagina is not a kitchen counter.
Eggs
When my fiancé and I went to the doctor to talk about trying for a baby, he was genuinely stunned to learn that women have eggs — ovaries, ovulation, the whole thing. He stared at the doctor and asked, wide-eyed: "Eggs? Like... like insects have?" The doctor kept a straight face. I did not.
The stream
When my baby was about a year old, my younger brother asked me — casually, as if it were a perfectly normal question — whether childbirth had changed the "stream" when I pee. He thought women urinate and give birth through the same opening, and that pushing out a baby would naturally widen it and alter the flow forever. I had to sit him down.
The wandering G-spot
My ex was absolutely convinced that the G-spot moves around, drifting to a different location each time, and that it was the man's job to track it down wherever it had got to. He was wrong about almost everything, but at least he was enthusiastic.
Curious about what's actually true when it comes to female pleasure and anatomy? Here's what the science actually says about the G-spot.
The urban legend
At a university freshers' event, one guy was earnestly warning his friends that women shouldn't be allowed to orgasm during sex — because apparently, after climax, the vagina clamps shut so tightly that the penis cannot be removed for at least an hour. He seemed to genuinely believe he was doing everyone a favour by sharing this.
The shock
I was seeing a 21-year-old who asked me how women know when their period is over. I said: when the bleeding stops. He screamed. Literally screamed: "BLEEDING?!" I offered to walk him through the basics of the menstrual cycle. He said he couldn't handle it because he didn't like blood. I think that conversation changed him permanently.
Do you feel a draught?
After a biology class on menstruation in secondary school, two of my male classmates came up to me afterwards and asked, with genuine curiosity, whether we could feel a draught when the egg "fell out." They seemed to think ovulation was a fairly dramatic physical event.
The tampon ban
My father banned my sister and me from using tampons because he was absolutely certain they would take away our virginity — like walking around all day with something between your legs, he said. We had to hide the boxes under our mattresses, giggling at the idea that our dad pictured a tampon the size of an actual penis. The things women do to navigate other people's misconceptions.
Just squeeze it all out
A male friend of mine couldn't understand why periods last a whole week. He thought women were simply choosing to spread it out, and wondered why they didn't just push all the blood out at once and get it over with. As if it were a choice. As if it were a juice box.
Tampon sizing
My husband noticed I keep three different sizes of tampons in the bathroom and asked why. When I explained that I match the size to how heavy my flow is on a given day, he was amazed. He had assumed the different sizes corresponded to different vagina sizes — small, medium, and large — like a clothing range. He is otherwise a very intelligent man.
These stories are funny, yes — but they're also a reminder of how much better sex education could and should be for everyone.
