In our twenties, time feels endless: we go out partying even if we have work the next day because who cares about just two hours of sleep? Then come the thirties and forties—building careers, settling into long-term relationships, maybe having kids—and suddenly, keeping friendships alive feels really tough.
Not long ago, I was walking home through a park after work and saw a group of twenty-something girls smiling and posing with ice cream for a selfie. For a moment, I felt a twinge of envy—not for their youth, but because they were together and clearly having a great time. They chatted sweetly, and I remembered how 15-20 years ago, I did the same with my girlfriends. We were in daily contact, knew everything about each other and the latest crushes. Sure, we had fights, but we made up quickly, and hardly a day went by without seeing someone from the group.
Group hangouts after 30? A lovely dream!
After 30, it looks more like this: we try hard to meet for coffee every couple of months, and even that often falls through because a kid is sick, grandma’s in the hospital, or we can’t break away from work. We once tried to plan a "girls' weekend," but when I checked my calendar, my next free weekend was six months away. When we do meet, we cram three hours with updates: How are the kids? How’s the renovation going? Still annoyed with your husband? Is your mother-in-law still acting up? Did you apply for that promotion? How’s the new boss?
It’s not just work and family that make meetups tricky—many of us live farther apart now. One of my best friends moved to the countryside after marriage, another works abroad. For them, messaging or the occasional video chat is all we have.
With them, I might only talk or meet once or twice a year, but I still consider them close friends because we always pick up right where we left off, and I know I can count on them when it matters.
Some friendships don’t stand the test of time. Sometimes I noticed I was the only one reaching out, and the other person never did. Those relationships need to be let go—and that’s okay. No hard feelings; sometimes what once held us together just doesn’t anymore.
I make friends easily and have always had a big circle—from elementary school, high school, university, and nearly every job. I even made friends through my husband’s social circle. Then I became a mom and met other moms at daycare and the park. I thought those bonds would last forever, but the reality is, there just isn’t time to keep every connection alive.
Quality over quantity
I decided not to chase new friendships but to invest my limited time in those that have stood the test of time. Friends who were there when I got braces in fourth grade, when Marci Kovács kissed me for the first time at summer camp, when I failed an entrance exam, got fired for the first time, got divorced, and when my first child was born.
The friends you need are the ones you don’t fight with, who understand that we can only meet rarely, who don’t get upset if I forget their birthday, and who feel like slipping into a cozy, warm pair of slippers when you get together.
A close circle with whom we’re already planning a week-long trip to Madeira as soon as the kids are older. For now, it’s enough to chat a few lines weekly or call each other when we find twenty minutes of peace. Friends who send a funny meme or voice message because something reminded them of me, or tag me in an interesting video. These little things show we’re thinking of each other, and right now, that’s enough.
Most importantly, we show up when the other needs us. Life’s big moments happen in this phase—parents passing away, weddings, divorces, births—and often unexpectedly. That’s when friends matter most. And when we’re old ladies, we’ll just laugh about it all.
