Opinion: Borka Shoemaker
If there’s one thing real friendships have in common, it’s that we believe they can handle anything. That a good friend listens without judgment and stands by you even when you slip up. I used to think that too. Then one day, I found myself sitting in the middle of a conversation wishing I could just get up and leave.
Because what I was hearing wasn’t just a story. It was a secret I was now expected to keep. An affair, a lie, a situation where suddenly I became involved—even if I didn’t want to be or wasn’t the one who made the mistake.
That was the moment when the romantic idea of friendship met reality.
Because yes, friendships have boundaries too
There are topics we just don’t want to hear about. Not because we don’t care enough, but because some situations place too heavy a burden on us. When someone shares a secret, especially one involving a third party—a mutual friend, a spouse—then we’re not just listeners, but accomplices. And that changes everything.
Recently, a very close friend put me in exactly this kind of situation, and for a while, I thought my role was to stay silent. To "endure it" because that’s part of friendship. But I grew increasingly tense.
I started avoiding shared spaces and felt uncomfortable around those I "knew something about." It seeped into my behavior, mood, and conscience.
And maybe that realization helped me most: I have the right to not be part of it all.
How to say it without hurting your friend?
Most people don’t share these things with bad intentions. They want to connect, find relief, or seek support. And where better to look than a friend? If we simply reject this, it can come across as cold or distant, as if we’re turning away from the friendship itself.
But there’s a difference between rejecting someone and setting a boundary in a situation.
"I love you, but I don’t want to hear this right now."
At first, this might sound harsh, but it’s actually honest. And honesty does more for a friendship in the long run than silent discomfort.
The hard part is accepting that the other person might feel hurt. They may feel we’re not there enough for them. But they might also feel relief—because we voiced something they hadn’t clearly seen themselves.
Here’s another key point: if a friendship repeatedly puts us in uncomfortable situations, it’s more than just a conversation issue. It’s worth considering whether this relationship truly feels safe and mutual.
A friendship doesn’t mean we have to carry everything. It means we can be honest—even when it’s uncomfortable.
