In my circle, gossip about affairs often sparks up, and it’s clear that people tend to blame the third party heavily. Many know that the one already in a relationship should have said no, but it’s just easier to point fingers at the outsider. No surprise there—simple psychological reasons are at play.
It’s Easier to Shift the Blame to a Third Person
A few months ago, a friend of mine got caught up in a pretty awkward situation. Out of nowhere, she received a message on social media from a woman she didn’t know. As she read, it turned out to be the girlfriend of a man she had recently met.
The letter made it clear the furious girlfriend blamed her for stealing her man. The tone was harsh and condescending—even though they’d never met in person. This jealous woman never considered that the “rival” might actually be innocent in the story.
We don’t know what the man told his girlfriend at home, but the truth is he was the one who made the first move without mentioning he was still in a relationship. He flirted and got to know my friend, who reciprocated, unaware of the background. Even if she had known, she shouldn’t have been the one to step back twice…
It’s easy to blame the third party, saying they stole the taken man’s heart.
But even then, the real issue lies within the relationship—if my friend approached him knowing he was taken. The one who’s single and meeting someone new never has to say no. The jealous girlfriend would have been better off talking things through with her partner instead of online threats.
Psychologically, she chose the easier path instead of facing the real challenges: shifting responsibility to someone else, an outsider, because it’s simpler.
This way, she avoids facing her partner’s and her own faults. The wounded ego finds an easy, external explanation. Plus, we have little control over the third party. So we convince ourselves there’s nothing to do, and life can go on as usual. No need to leave the comfort zone—security stays intact. Instinctively, we all seek this.
You Don’t Want to Face Your Own Uncertainty
When someone realizes their partner has cheated or might be about to, initial anger often turns into self-blame. Most look inward, trying to figure out what they did wrong or what the third party has that they don’t. It’s a complex issue, and years-long relationships or marriages usually have many underlying factors leading here.
It’s almost certain both partners made mistakes, though that doesn’t excuse the one who chose the “easier path.”
Facing our own insecurity is tough, just like admitting our confidence is shaken and that we expect others to fix or save us. It’s easier to hate the third party and vent built-up tension on them than to confront and solve the situation. Saying “if they weren’t here, this wouldn’t happen” feels simpler. The truth? The situation wouldn’t change—just someone else would take the third party’s place.
You Can’t Control Someone Else’s Life
The hard truth is, no matter how much we try, we can’t control others’ feelings. Not even our spouse’s long-term emotions. Some men are easier to mislead or emotionally manipulate, but eventually, they wake up and reach their limit.
You might try keeping your partner on a short leash, bossing them around with stubborn control, but such relationships aren’t real partnerships. True love isn’t ownership—you can’t force someone to love you, and no one can force you to love them.
Love is a choice only in that you decide to stick with your partner long-term. Within a relationship, you can only influence your own feelings, thoughts, and actions. Blaming or condemning the third party won’t change anything—nor will doing the same to yourself or your partner.
It’s tough to accept, but people always choose and act based on what they believe is right or best for them. This applies to both the cheater and the one they cheat with.
Psychologically, we feel like we own and control our partner to some extent. When we catch them cheating, it hurts because it feels like we’ve lost control over ourselves too. It’s easier to blame the often unfamiliar third party, since we have no influence over them. We convince ourselves we couldn’t have prevented the situation.
