Men’s friendships tend to be simpler and less intense than women’s, which sounds nice, but it does come at a cost.
The Therapist
We women share much more intimate things with each other than guys do. That’s a good thing because talking through our problems helps us move on more easily, but my oldest friendship fell apart because of this. The problem was that these “therapy sessions” eventually became one-sided: I listened patiently to Anita like a psychologist, but she never really listened to me. When we met, she would unload all her troubles on me, and when it was my turn, she’d say she had to go and leave me hanging.
It took me a long time to realize how much this parasitic relationship was draining and using me. A few years later, I found myself in the same role with a quiet coworker. I started using her as my emotional trash bin, running to her whenever something happened at work to vent. I expected understanding and agreement, which she gave—then she handed me the bill in the worst way: when we both went for the same position, she stabbed me in the back and used everything I ever shared against me.
Honesty
My husband and his friends are always brutally honest with each other. They’ll say things like, “Robi, you really messed up that car repair,” or “Berci, you’ve gained some weight.” That’s unthinkable among us women. Can you imagine a friend gaining a few pounds, feeling down about it, and you agreeing with her? No way. We’re obliged to say, “What are you talking about? You haven’t gained a thing, you look great!”
I’ve never told a friend, “Timi, this cake didn’t turn out well,” or “Nóri, your boyfriend is totally fooling you.” Recently, a friend showed up with a new (terrible) haircut, and I hesitated for a moment whether to compliment or lie…? I chose to compliment because honesty would have hurt her feelings.
Whispers
Building on that, what we don’t say to each other’s faces, we happily discuss behind their backs with other friends. Men don’t do this. Among us, it’s normal to talk down about a friend’s new dress, cooking, boyfriend, style—anything—when she’s not around. And don’t get me started on the motherhood drama—that’s a whole other level: no one’s harsher or more critical than moms judging each other…
Ready, Set, Go!
Some female friendships are constant competitions. I have one like that. Linda and I have been friends since elementary school, and ever since, we’ve tried to “outdo” each other. It’s not exactly a healthy dynamic, but it is what it is. She graduated first, but I have two degrees. I got engaged before her, but she had her wedding earlier. I had my first child sooner, but she already has two. I can’t tell if this is healthy rivalry or if we’re toxically trying to top each other’s milestones.
Snide Remarks
We already mentioned that women are sweet to each other’s faces but talk behind their backs, but let’s not forget the little stinging comments that are so typical among women. Men don’t use passive aggression with each other, but we do it all the time. My friend Orsi often makes hurtful remarks and then says, “I’m just kidding!” while laughing, like: “Johanna, this cookie is actually tasty, not as bland as the ones you usually bake, hahaha!”
None of us ever call her out, even though it annoys everyone. Her “compliments” are even worse—basically insults wrapped in praise, like: “Betti, I love your top, I’d never dare wear something like that!” or “Mici, you look surprisingly good, much better than usual!” Almost every girl group has one of these sharp-tongued women.
