Men’s honesty often just fuels more conflict.
Therapy
My wife convinced me to go to a couples therapist. I hesitated at first but ended up glad, because finally I could share my struggles. (At home, every argument went like this: my wife would scream and cry for half an hour, then when I tried to speak, she’d sulk and walk away without listening.)
At therapy, I could put into words what bothered me, and my wife responded calmly. But once home, the crying and yelling started again, followed by her withdrawing. After a while, I stopped sharing at therapy because she punished me privately for it.
The therapist finally got me to open up about why I stopped "sharing my feelings" and gently questioned my wife. I was relieved—until my wife told me on the way home that it was pointless and we needed a new therapist. That’s when I realized she never intended to hear what was hurting me.
Legal cases
I don’t tell any woman what I dislike anymore because I’ve only gotten burned. I used to patiently listen to every ex’s complaints without losing my cool—even when they brought up ridiculous or low blows. (By ridiculous, I mean baseless jealousy; by low blows, things like calling me short.)
But patience was never extended to me. Whenever I spoke up, they’d get upset, cry, throw tantrums, or sulk for days. Once, desperate, I asked an ex, “How is this fair?” Her answer: “If you have the right to share your problems, then I have the right to react!” Checkmate—I had nothing to say, so I just stayed quiet since.
Expressing dissatisfaction
My wife never needed to be pushed to talk about her feelings—nor did any woman I know—but I, like most men, did. She kept asking me to finally say what was bothering me, but when I did, she didn’t like it at all.
After two days of silence from her, I said I regretted speaking up because nothing improved, only got worse. She replied, “When you share something valid, I won’t sulk.” That’s when I learned my feelings could never be valid; the universal truth was always on my wife’s side. Two years later, we divorced.
Constructive arguments
I had girlfriends with whom real discussions were possible. We both shared what bothered us and looked for compromises. Sadly, I took this for granted and realized too late that with my wife—since the wedding— this was impossible. She wants to win every argument.
If she says she works a lot, I understand but point out I work hard too, she explodes. If she shares how she wants sex to be different, I accept it—but if I mention what I’d enjoy, I’m out of line.
I have to eat her cooking without complaint—even if it’s way too salty (I eat it)—but she makes faces and won’t even try my baking. Now I get the saying: women want the wedding, not the marriage; men want a girlfriend, not a wife.
The sentence
My wife is home with our nine-month-old baby, and I work. Every evening I rush home because I bathe the baby, feed him at night, and put him to bed. On weekends, the child is with me so my wife can rest a bit.
But last Saturday, I was the one who refused to talk to my partner. No comment that my wife only noticed the next evening and kept pestering me about what was wrong until I summed it up in a few—fatal—sentences.
“Honey, I’ve been on my feet all week from 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. Yesterday I got up at dawn for the baby, fed him, cleaned the kitchen, and you were still asleep when I went shopping with the baby. When I got home, I put away the groceries and started cooking while you spent two hours on your phone. You got up once—to get ice cream from the fridge—and argued with me for ten minutes that I bought the wrong butter—even though I said it wasn’t the usual kind—then you sat back on the couch watching reality shows until evening without acknowledging me or the baby. Sorry if I’m not in a chatty mood after all that.”
The reaction was that she left crying with the baby for two days to her mother’s. My advice to every man: don’t fall into this trap and never tell a woman what’s wrong.
