Op-ed: Borka Schuster
A few years ago, if someone criticized me, I rarely heard it for what it actually was. In my head it wasn't an observation, a piece of feedback, or another point of view worth considering. It was proof. Proof that I wasn't good enough.
If someone said one of my texts could be improved, what I heard was that I was bad at my job. If someone pointed out a mistake, I felt they were rejecting me — not the single decision or behavior we were actually talking about.
A single sentence could knock me sideways for days. In those moments I felt worthless, ignorant, or talentless, and all I wanted was to hide from the world.
I'd chew on it endlessly, replaying the conversation over and over, trying to figure out whether I really was that bad a person, that bad a colleague, that bad a friend.
Today I work completely differently
Not because criticism stopped stinging. Nobody enjoys hearing they got something wrong. I don't either.
I just no longer feel that a piece of criticism automatically passes judgment on my entire personality.
But getting here took a very long stretch of therapy. That's where I first truly understood something: for many of us, criticism isn't really about the present. It's about the past.
It's about the conditions love was tied to when we were children. How much we were praised, or how much we were judged. Whether we could make mistakes safely, or whether we learned that we're only lovable when we always perform well.
If you grow up with a sense of self-worth built entirely on outside feedback, then criticism isn't just information. It's a threat.
Because if my value is decided by other people's opinions, then every negative comment threatens a little piece of my whole identity.
That's why so many people crumble at a seemingly tiny remark. Not because they're weak, but because there isn't yet enough solid ground inside them to hold them steady.
I had to work on this for a long time too
I had to build an inner compass that keeps working even when the world isn't handing me reassurance. I had to get clear on the values I live by, what I'm good at, where I want to grow, and what genuinely matters to me.
Once those inner foundations start to firm up, criticism lands in a completely different place. It's no longer a verdict — just information. And of course, not all information is useful.
One of the most important things I learned was to tell the difference between constructive and destructive criticism.
Constructive criticism is specific. Respectful. It's about a particular situation or behavior, and it often even comes with a suggested solution. Its goal isn't to make you feel small, but to help you improve at something.
Destructive criticism, on the other hand, tends to generalize, humiliate, label — or simply set out to hurt.
I used to treat both the same way
I believed both of them.
These days I try to ask myself a few simple questions: Is there truth in what I'm hearing? Is this feedback coming from someone whose opinion I actually value? Does it help me in some way, or does it just make me feel worse?
And if I decide there's truth in the criticism, I try to treat it as a gift. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it. It just means I no longer run from it. Because when someone points out a blind spot of mine, that's actually a chance to get better. To learn. To do it differently next time.
But for that to happen, my sense of worth can't hinge on a single opinion or a single mistake. None of us becomes less because we were wrong about something. And we don't become bad people just because someone isn't happy with us. Today I feel stable enough to decide which criticism is worth taking in. And strong enough that my weaknesses don't frighten me — they're just something I can work on.
Why does criticism affect some people so much more than others?
Often it comes down to how self-worth was built. If someone grew up with their value tied entirely to outside approval, criticism can feel like a threat to their whole identity rather than simple feedback.
What's the difference between constructive and destructive criticism?
Constructive criticism is specific and respectful, focuses on a situation or behavior, and often offers a way forward. Destructive criticism generalizes, humiliates, labels, or simply aims to hurt.
How can I stop taking criticism so personally?
It helps to build an inner compass — a clear sense of your values, strengths, and goals — so your self-worth doesn't depend on any single opinion. From there, useful criticism becomes information you can act on, not a verdict on who you are.
Does this feeling ever go away completely?
Not entirely. Criticism can still sting, because no one enjoys hearing they got something wrong. The shift is that it no longer feels like judgment on your entire personality.
