There are moments when you just have to put a gentleman in his place.
Grammar
I once told my husband:
“Don’t use words you can’t spell correctly.”
Neutered
My ex kept pestering me when I was super busy. He wanted to plan the weekend, so I asked him:
“What if, just this once, you were the man in the relationship and made a decision?”
He was not happy.
The Work Hero
When my lazy ex told me he was born by C-section, I said:
“I figured you were too lazy to even come out…”
Instant Rage
Every guy gets annoyed when I say about football, basketball, American football, water polo, rugby, or any favorite sport: “Oh, where the boys just kick a ball around.” They absolutely hate it!
Red Letter
When I was upset, crying or feeling down, my ex would often ask: “What’s wrong, is it that time of the month?” (As if I could only be emotional then…) When I told him after two years that I was moving out, he didn’t take it well. First he yelled, then slammed things, finally sat down, buried his face in his hands, and begged me tearfully not to leave. I couldn’t resist asking:
“What’s wrong, is it that time of the month…?”
Experts Among Themselves
A colleague called a work task “women’s work”, so I deadpanned back:
“Because it’s too complicated for men…?”
Simple Lines
I couldn’t shake off a clingy guy, so I told him:
“Has anyone ever told you that you’d be easy to sketch?”
Growing Pains
I had a boyfriend who was shorter than me, but I didn’t care—I was head over heels. Needless to say, he was the one who cheated on me. After catching him, I listened to his excuses for half an hour until I got fed up and ended the conversation with:
“Save your excuses for someone who can’t see the top of your head when you’re throwing a fit.”
I know it’s not nice to make fun of someone’s height, but he broke my heart, and it felt good to get a little payback.
Big Words
My fiancé invited me for coffee and launched into a long, dramatic monologue saying he wanted to break up. I just replied with a poker face:
“Did you write that yourself, or did your mom help?”
The Weight of Words
He said I’d gained weight (I had to take steroid medication), so I looked at him and said it was funny hearing that from a man who has bigger breasts than me.
The Bombshell
“Imagine how great our communication would be if you replied to messages as fast as you walk away.”
Genuine Surprise
After dating many muscular guys, I finally gave a chance to a slim, “decent” guy, who turned out to have the most arrogant, manipulative partner ever. As I packed my things, he shouted cruel insults, and I walked out the door, replying:
“Wow, so much anger packed into such a small body…”
Animalistic
At a party, there was a cocky guy with a wolf tattoo on his arm, so I asked:
“Did Jacob from Twilight inspire this?”
He totally flipped out, and we couldn’t stop laughing.
Humility
My girlfriends were lined up at a club entrance, and when I joined them, a balding guy behind us started complaining that I should go to the end of the line. I had to tell him straight:
“Do what your hairline tells you and step back nicely.”
