Bien Logo

"Even as a girl, my stomach always fluttered around girls" When did you realize you were attracted to your own gender?

Szőke Angéla4 min read
Share:
"Even as a girl, my stomach always fluttered around girls" When did you realize you were attracted to your own gender? — Relationship
In this article

The Question

The Question
When – as a boy – I mentioned several times at school that Henry Cavill was way too hot to be Superman, someone asked me, "What, are you gay?" That question stuck with me all day and even kept me awake at night. I thought about which celebrities I had crushes on, and they were all men. So the next morning, I told the guy that my answer to his question was probably yes, "I am gay."

Boy Girl

Boy Girl
For a long time, I thought I was a boy because at school I always wanted to impress the girls. I was 12 when I saw a music video where two women kissed, and in that moment, I realized that liking girls didn’t mean I had to be a boy—I was simply a lesbian.

Enlightenment

Enlightenment
Strangely, I always thought I was a straight man, until a hallucinogenic trip brought a mini-enlightenment that maybe that wasn’t true. I started wondering if I might be bisexual, and it took another four years of self-reflection to accept that I love boys.

Late Realization

Late Realization
I grew up in a religious family and held conservative values all my life. I never openly rejected homosexuality (unlike many closeted gay men who overcompensate), but I always saw it as a rebellious phase, like "they just don’t know what to do with themselves." After two divorces and three kids, at 52, I realized I love women. After my second divorce, I didn’t want men in my life anymore—no more relationships.

Out of curiosity, I joined a psychodrama group where I met a woman my age who introduced me to her girlfriend. That’s when it clicked: this isn’t just young people figuring things out, but a real, natural part of life. Therapy helped me release all the suppressed feelings and desires. It was incredibly freeing to finally find myself and be who I truly am.

Marriage

Marriage
Maybe I sensed something as a kid—I remember asking my parents if two girls could get married, and they said no. But in eighth grade, I fell so hard for a new (girl) classmate that my stomach fluttered and my hands trembled every time I saw her. Still, it took 15 more years to accept and come out as gay.

The Console

The Console
In Fortnite, the character Hybrid has the only round butt I liked, so at 13, I searched on the PlayStation 3 internet for "boys kissing boys." I had never seen that before—only boys kissing girls—and I wondered if it was just in my head. Seeing those pictures reassured me it was real. That’s when I decided I’d become the world’s first openly gay pro gamer.

Pretty

Pretty
When I was 24, I looked at a girl and thought, wow, she’s beautiful. After that, I never saw women the same way again. I stopped admiring girls from the outside and wanted to be part of that admiration.

Why Not?

Why Not?
I kissed girls while drunk and high so much that in the end, I "stayed that way," and men no longer interested me.

The Kiss

The Kiss
At a non-gay club, I’d had a bit too much to drink when my eyes met a handsome guy’s in the bathroom. He came over, kissed me, then left—and I never saw him again. I lived in denial for two more years after that.

Boyishly

Boyishly
Thanks to a heteronormative society, I wanted the world to see me as a boy—even though I was a girl—and I did everything to make that happen. I got upset if called a girl because deep down I knew I loved girls, but I thought only boys loved girls, so I convinced myself I was a boy. Interestingly, I found it easier to accept being born in the wrong body than that girls could love girls.

Photos: istockphoto.com
RelationshipLove

Related reads

"Back Then I Didn't Feel Used" — The Bitter Truth About Almost-Relationships — Lifestyle

"Back Then I Didn't Feel Used" — The Bitter Truth About Almost-Relationships

Almost-relationships are full of intense feelings that rarely get returned. These are the stories of women who finally realized they deserved more than crumbs.

Szőke Angéla•
"My Marriage Was Over Before It Began" — What Happens When You Realize Your Partner Isn't Who You Married — Lifestyle

"My Marriage Was Over Before It Began" — What Happens When You Realize Your Partner Isn't Who You Married

What happens when the person you built your life with only ever existed in your imagination? A raw, honest look at love's illusions and the moment reality hits.

Szőke Angéla•
I Forgave Him — and It Was a Mistake: The Real Difference Between a Good and Bad Cheater — Lifestyle

I Forgave Him — and It Was a Mistake: The Real Difference Between a Good and Bad Cheater

When your partner crosses the line, what happens next reveals everything. Real women share honest stories about when forgiveness was worth it — and when it wasn't.

Szőke Angéla•
The Quiet Female Habits That Make a Man Feel Truly Understood — Relationship

The Quiet Female Habits That Make a Man Feel Truly Understood

Some of the most powerful ways to connect with a partner have nothing to do with big gestures. Here are the subtle habits that draw a man closer.

O. Zselyke•
"She Acted Like She Was His Wife" — When a Sister-in-Law Starts Destroying Your Marriage — Family

"She Acted Like She Was His Wife" — When a Sister-in-Law Starts Destroying Your Marriage

Three women share how their husband's sister became the biggest source of conflict in their marriage — and what finally had to change.

Schuster Borka•
"I'd already made peace with being alone forever, then we met": 3 love stories after 45 — Relationship

"I'd already made peace with being alone forever, then we met": 3 love stories after 45

Three real, moving stories of people who had given up on love, until life quietly proved them wrong after 45. Sometimes the story isn't over yet.

Schuster Borka•