Many of us fall into the trap of building our self-image solely on our abilities. For a long time, I believed that my skills—what I’m good at and what I’ve learned—defined my value as a person.
But healthy self-esteem has a deeper layer: the fundamental feeling that just by existing, I am as valuable as anyone else. When I held my summa cum laude diploma or my first book, I expected this inner foundation to finally solidify. It didn’t.
Recently, I came across an article by Alice Boyes. Reading the psychologist’s list, I recognized myself immediately. Friends often praise me and list my achievements, and I nod along—but inside, I don’t feel the weight of their words. I’ve become an expert at discounting my own successes, as if they were just luck, not proof of my worth—Alice Boyes held up a mirror to me.
You’re Not a Superhero Who Has to Do It All Alone
One of my toughest realizations was that my extreme independence might actually be a mask for low self-esteem. I used to feel I had to handle everything myself and that asking for help meant admitting weakness. Whether it was a stressful doctor’s appointment or household chores, I convinced myself that as a “pro adult,” I didn’t need support.
Thankfully, I now see that this stubborn independence is not strength but fear—fear that if I’m not perfectly self-sufficient, I’m not valuable enough. I think this is where I’ve grown the most, though I still sometimes worry I’m “asking too much” when I reach out for help.
Everyone Can Make Mistakes—Except Me
It’s a curious contradiction that while I freely allow others to make mistakes as part of learning, I’ve been—and still am—relentless with myself.
I usually expect to excel immediately, even in areas I’ve never touched before.
Looking back, I clearly see that I never gave myself the patience beginners deserve. I know that growth comes with stumbles, and without accepting that, every new challenge just becomes another chance to beat myself up... I need to learn that “I don’t know yet” doesn’t mean “I’m not cut out for this”.
When the World’s Slip-Ups Weigh on My Shoulders
I often felt tension in situations I wasn’t responsible for, as if every little bump in the world proved my imperfections. For example, if my child had a rough day at school, I immediately questioned whether my parenting was completely at fault.
Only later did I realize other factors might be at play besides my parenting mistakes. Life just happens sometimes, and unexpected challenges or others’ oversights don’t diminish our inner dignity.
I Focused on What’s Missing, Not What I’ve Achieved
It’s much easier to think about what I haven’t reached yet than what I have. It’s a never-ending cycle: when I’m working hard, I feel guilty for not moving faster and achieving more.
But if I push myself to do even more, another voice kicks in: I should live more, rest more, spend time with my family. When I invest in my growth, I immediately question whether I’m overdoing it or being selfish by taking money away from my family.
I realized that this mindset always had me looking to the next step instead of pausing to appreciate the terrace I’ve already built onto my house…
The painful but freeing truth is that my achievements won’t do the inner work of self-love for me. So my journey now is about learning to separate my successes and failures from my true self. Because maybe the greatest gift in life is knowing we were born lovable—whether we need help, make mistakes, or are simply existing.
