Taking the spotlight off your marriage for a bit might actually help it get better Sometimes, stepping back is exactly what you need. When you step outside a situation and look at it from a distance, things often become clearer—and that goes for relationships too.
The Unusual Advice
As a couples therapist, my main goal is to help partners communicate meaningfully. To open up, share honestly, and create a safe space where they can talk about their problems and work through them together.
But if after about six months one partner still feels unhappy, I suggest they pause and reflect on whether their own personal struggles might be blocking the relationship from thriving. This often surprises people, but focusing inward can uncover the root of their dissatisfaction.
Often, it turns out the issue isn’t with their partner but with anxiety, depression, unresolved trauma, attachment styles formed before the marriage (like avoidance), or undiagnosed personality challenges. That’s why, when progress stalls, focusing on yourself and seeking individual therapy can be a game changer.
Who’s to Blame?
My husband and I struggled for two years with something we couldn’t quite put our finger on. I was convinced it was his fault, but when I sought help on my own, I discovered surprising things about myself.
I realized I was repeating negative relationship patterns I’d seen growing up and unfairly blamed my partner. Once I worked on these patterns, our relationship improved.
The Easier Path
I learned firsthand that it’s always easier to blame the other person than to face our own insecurities, anxieties, fears, and flaws. My wife and I were even planning to divorce when I finally realized the problem wasn’t our marriage—it was me.
Separately
Couples therapy didn’t help us much, but when we started individual therapy and focused on our own growth, things improved quickly. Two wounded people trying to fit together just wasn’t working. (By “wounded,” I don’t mean severe trauma—just that we both had difficult experiences and patterns to work through.)
The lesson? Two broken parts won’t work well together until each is repaired.
The Pressure
My marriage nearly fell apart because of my husband’s new job. He’d been waiting years for a promotion and seemed happy at first. But after so many fights, I told him I was moving in with my mom for a month to see if some distance would help.
Two weeks later, he called me saying he was just as stressed without me and realized deep down he hated the new job. He hadn’t even admitted it to himself. He went back to his old position, and everything got better.
Cause and Effect
After our third child was born, serious problems arose—even though we wanted and were excited about the new baby. No matter how much we talked and tried, something felt off. A friend suggested I look at my life "without my husband," and she was right.
I realized the issue wasn’t my partner but my own anxiety. I panicked a bit about managing three kids—it was harder than I expected, and I felt overwhelmed. That was the real problem eating me up inside, but I was looking for answers in the wrong place: our marriage.
