Op-ed: Borka Schuster
My daughter is seven. Her ears aren't pierced, and honestly, she doesn't seem all that interested in the idea. From the very beginning, I've tried to make one thing clear to her: if she ever wants earrings, that's completely fine — but it has to be her decision.
Not because I want to turn it into a big dramatic issue, but because I genuinely believe it. Ear piercing isn't some permanent, life-altering body modification. Still, it's a choice about her own body — and I think that choice belongs to her, not to me.
I've told her, too, that the piercing itself is basically a quick pinprick, not some unbearable pain. But even so, it's perfectly okay if she never wants it.
My daughter handles this pretty simply
The subject has come up between us a few times. She's browsed some jewelry, but we always land in the same place: she's not really that into it, and the piercing part makes her nervous. So she usually just closes the topic herself.
I fully accept that. In fact, I think it's important for her to understand that I have no expectations either way — I'm not nudging her toward it, and I'm not steering her away from it.
I often think about how much of parenting comes down to small, seemingly trivial moments. I don't believe you can judge a parent on a single decision, or that there's one "correct" script to follow. It's more that in these everyday, ordinary situations, kids learn how their own boundaries work — and whether other people actually respect them.
What I want my daughter to understand is this: if you want something in life, sometimes you have to go through things that aren't exactly pleasant. That's not a punishment — it's a consequence. But I also want it to be crystal clear to her that she never has to do something just because someone else thinks it would "look nice" or "suit her."
Her body is hers. Not mine, and not anyone else's.
Recently, though, this turned into an unexpected family conflict
My dad started bringing it up regularly — when are we finally going to get her ears pierced? At first it was just half-sentences, almost like jokes. Then it got more direct. Eventually he was openly talking about how he wanted to buy her gold earrings, and how it was about time we "sorted it out."
At one point I had to step in. I told him that this isn't up to him. If my daughter wants it, we'll make it happen. If she doesn't, we won't. And it's completely fine if she never wants earrings at all.
I thought that would settle it. It didn't.
My dad kept pushing. Kindly, with a smile, as if the whole thing were nothing more than harmless grandpa enthusiasm. How lovely she'd look, what a joy it would be to pick them out, how nice it is to give your granddaughter a gift.
Meanwhile, I was getting more and more tense. Because I could see my daughter sitting right there next to him, listening — and even though she didn't say a word, her body language made it pretty obvious that this conversation made her uncomfortable. And that's the point where, for me, it stopped being about earrings at all.
I asked my dad: if my daughter doesn't want earrings, then whose happiness is the gift actually for?
His answer wasn't surprising: he said it would make him happy to see her wearing them.
I told him that's exactly the problem. Because to me, a gift isn't about that. It's not about fulfilling my own wish through a child, regardless of whether she wants it. If my daughter isn't happy about it, then it's not a gift — it's pressure, even when it's wrapped in kind words.
My dad thinks I'm overreacting. To him it's just a tiny pair of earrings, no big deal.
Maybe for him, that really is all it is. But for me, this argument was never about earrings. It was about how a child learns what "no" means. About who gets to decide about her own body. And about what we do when someone applies pressure — lovingly, but pressure all the same.
I don't want to decide for her what she wears, what she puts up with, or what she takes on. And I don't want her to learn that she has to cross her own boundaries for other people's sake. Even if the price of that is falling out with my own dad over an imaginary pair of earrings.
Why does it matter who decides about a child's piercing?
Because it's a choice about the child's own body. Letting her decide teaches her that her boundaries are real and worth respecting — a lesson that reaches far beyond earrings.
Is ear piercing really painful for kids?
According to the article, the piercing itself is basically a quick pinprick rather than unbearable pain. Even so, it's completely okay if a child feels nervous about it and would rather not.
How can a well-meant gift become pressure?
When a gift is really about the giver's wish rather than what the child wants, it stops being a gift. Kind words can still carry pressure if the child isn't genuinely happy about it.
How should grandparents handle disagreements over a child's choices?
The healthiest approach is respecting the parent's decision and, above all, the child's own comfort — rather than repeatedly pushing, even affectionately, for what the grandparent would like to see.
