Every kid has a phase that mom and dad quietly root for them to move past as soon as possible.
The Ant Hospital
My four-year-old son and his five-year-old cousin play outside pretending to "accidentally" hurt ants. They take the injured ones to their "hospital," where they sadly declare them beyond saving and then put them down. Afterwards, they bury the little creatures and even say a short prayer.
Little White Lies
My three-year-old daughter tells the most adorable, clumsy fibs. She says things like, “Mom, I couldn’t brush my hair because I don’t have a head,” or “I can’t put on my shoes because I’m a box, and boxes don’t have feet.” Sometimes it’s hard not to laugh, other times it drives me crazy.
Out of the Frying Pan
At seven, my son discovered a YouTube video about ceiling fans and went crazy for them for two whole years. For birthdays and Christmas, he asked for them nonstop. We ended up installing three fans: one at home, one at grandma’s, and one at the vacation house. Then the fan obsession faded, and the “I don’t need to shower every day” phase kicked in—which is still going strong. Even after sports, he refuses to shower, and it’s driving me nuts.
History Lessons
Our teenage daughter insists our family is a “fascist dictatorship” where she has no rights. I told her our life feels more like anarchy to me…
Fashion Statement
My ten-year-old son has recently started tucking his pants into his socks. Since he won’t listen that it’s uncool, his mom and I decided to take plenty of photos of him in this look to show his future girlfriends someday.
Tweet Tweet
My 15-year-old nephew is obsessed with birds and wants to become an ornithologist. My sister asked me to find out where he disappears to every afternoon in the woods. I secretly installed a tracking app on his phone and discovered he spends time in a little treehouse. I don’t know if he built it, but the inside is covered with bird pictures. That wouldn’t be strange, except I also found a jumpsuit with feathers glued on it—like some bizarre bird-man costume. I told my sister, who checked his room the next day and found feathers in every drawer and a box full of tiny bones. We don’t know what to do yet, so we’re waiting to see if he outgrows it.
Target Practice
My two-and-a-half-year-old son just discovered he can pee wherever he wants (he aims), and since then he’s been enthusiastically targeting our poor cat.
Making a Statement
My 16-year-old daughter loves her legs (they’re pretty), so she only wears miniskirts. My 18-year-old son loves his arms (he’s muscular), so he wears sleeveless shirts everywhere. That wouldn’t be a problem, except they refused to change their outfits even when we went to my aunt’s funeral. In the end, my daughter agreed to wear a black miniskirt with black tights, and my son wore a black (sleeveless!) shirt with a jacket he couldn’t take off, even in the blazing sun.
Just Girl Things
Martika is 14 and takes at least 45 duck-face selfies every day.
Mask Ball
Looking back at our teenage photos—and seeing the unnecessarily dark blue eyeshadow none of us pulled off well—I realize my friends and I weren’t exactly makeup pros either. But what my daughter is doing now is next level. She’s in her “goth” rebellious phase, doing her makeup like a vampire. She powders her face white like a geisha, paints her eyes and lips black, and looks just like Morticia Addams. Poor thing looks so ridiculous, even though she’s beautiful. I hope she grows out of it by college.
