"What I liked was that I could manipulate" – When did you realize you were the problem?

I couldn’t believe my boyfriend was moving out. We’d been arguing more than usual, but I was shocked when he said he couldn’t stay with me anymore. Crying, I told him he knew I had mental health struggles from my childhood and that I was the first to admit I wasn’t easy to be with! Then he said something I’ll never forget: “You have the right to be angry because of your past, but not to be cruel.” That’s when I first started reflecting on my behavior.

When I confessed to my boyfriend that I cheated, he started crying and asked, “Tell me what I can do so you never do this to me again…”

I realized every guy I dated was already taken. Two had fiancées, one was married, and three I stole from their girlfriends. My friends always dated single guys. This toxic pattern in my love life couldn’t be ignored anymore. I had to ask myself why I only started relationships with unavailable men.

When I told my therapist how sweet my new boyfriend was and how much I adored him, she asked if I really loved him or just liked that I could manipulate him. Instead of getting upset, I actually thought about her question.

At my friend’s wedding, two guys fought over me while my boyfriend was asleep in the hotel room.

When my friend came home to find me in bed with two girls, and a week later I was on my knees, crying and begging to come back, swearing on my mother’s life I’d never cheat again. (The worst part? I really loved her, yet I still did this. That’s when I questioned what kind of person I am.)

When my boyfriend reached for my phone, I sprinted from the kitchen, jumped on his back yelling, trying to grab it from him. It turned out he just wanted to put it on the table, not look inside. After that, he said he didn’t need to see what was on it. That same night, he packed up and left. I wasn’t hiding an affair, but how I talked about it with my friends. I never said anything good about him—only bad—and that says more about me than him.

At a funeral, looking at the sorrowful faces, I realized I’d had secret affairs not only with the deceased man for six months but also with his brother, cousin, best friend, and his sister’s ex-husband.

After my car accident, my friend cared for me for a whole year without leaving my side—and as soon as I got better, I cheated again. What kind of jerk does that?!

At a party with my boyfriend, I noticed a guy I liked—even though he was with his girlfriend. When she went to the bathroom, I asked him if we could grab a drink the next day. He said yes, I gave him my number, then went back to my boyfriend, who didn’t notice because he was chatting with his friends in another room. The girlfriend came back to the guy, none the wiser. That’s when I realized how awful I was and the kind of toxic people I was involved with.

Photos: istockphoto.com