But lateness often runs deeper. Some reasons hide anger and aggression, while others reveal self-deception, says Dr. Neel Burton, a psychology expert on the topic.
Let’s start with anger and aggression. People who seem calm and polite on the surface might express their anger passively, resisting others’ reasonable expectations—sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Passive-aggressive behaviors include sowing doubt and confusion; forgetting or omitting important facts or items; withholding usual actions like making tea, cooking, cleaning, or intimacy; shifting responsibility; and, of course, being late. As the name suggests, passive-aggression is a hidden way to show hostility.
One big downside of this behavior is that it blocks uncovering and solving the underlying issues, often leading to serious long-term conflicts.
Now, about the second reason: self-deception. As we’ve seen, lateness—especially when frequent or extreme—sends the message, "I’m more important than you." Of course, our actions don’t always match our intentions. Sometimes, people are late because they feel inferior or insignificant. Being late can be a way to grab maximum attention or even take control of the situation. You might have noticed some habitual latecomers also make a scene—apologizing profusely, introducing themselves to everyone, rearranging furniture, asking for a clean glass, and so on. This doesn’t rule out passive-aggression being at play, either.
Staying with self-deception, lateness can also be a form of resistance—expressing displeasure with the meeting’s purpose or resentment about its expected outcome.
In therapy, clients often resist not only by being late but also by changing topics, lecturing, falling asleep, or skipping sessions altogether. Such behaviors suggest they’re close to facing a repressed issue but fear the consequences.
Your Subconscious Might Be Sending a Message with Your Lateness
It’s important to note that being late isn’t always unhealthy or problematic. Sometimes, your subconscious (intuition) signals that you don’t want to be there or that you’d be better off elsewhere—maybe a meeting or job isn’t the best use of your time or even conflicts with your goals.
When you run late, you can learn a lot by simply asking yourself, "Why exactly am I late?" Even if it’s just because you’re too busy, ask why you’re so busy. Often, we keep ourselves as busy as possible to avoid facing our deepest thoughts and feelings—something that’s counterproductive in the short and long term.
There’s one more twist: arriving early can be just as rude—if not ruder—than being late. That’s why Dr. Burton recommends his own personal trick: “In many social situations, I deliberately arrive exactly eight minutes late. Being eight minutes late doesn’t count as being late, and it gives your host just enough time to sit down, gather their thoughts, and start looking forward to your arrival.”
Opening image Marco VDM/istockphoto.com
