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"Have You Gained a Few Pounds?" – 5 Things I’d Never Say to My Daughter

Kovács-Hain Zsuzsi3 min read
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"Have You Gained a Few Pounds?" – 5 Things I’d Never Say to My Daughter — Family
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Emotional Growth

Emotional Growth
It was shocking to hear that mom say loudly to her daughter: “This isn’t your size, can’t you see? How do you even look in that? I’m definitely not buying this, I won’t embarrass myself! Lose a few pounds and then we can get it, pick something else!” The girl tried to stand her ground at first, but soon only quiet sobbing came from the fitting room beside me. I’m sure it wasn’t just about not getting that piece of clothing. Parental communication is key to our children’s emotional development. It’s a foundation they build on for life. That’s why how parents talk to their kids from a young age matters so much. And with teenagers, what and how we say things is even more crucial. Some harsh words can have unpredictable effects… I have two daughters. Life with them isn’t always easy—they’re very different personalities and respond uniquely to life’s challenges. But one thing they share: it matters deeply what I think and how I express my opinion. This is a sensitive area that requires me to be extra careful not to say anything that might hurt their teenage hearts. Here are 5 sentences I will never say to my daughters.

#1. “How can you say such nonsense?”

#1. “How can you say such nonsense?”
Every child wants to please their parents—even the ones who seem to rebel the most. They just want to be recognized and loved. But phrases like this are degrading and hurtful. All you do is push your usually quiet teen further away, making them share even less with you.

#2. “It’s not a big deal!”

#2. “It’s not a big deal!”
Oh, how many times I think this when my daughters start talking about something huge to them that I just don’t get. But I would never say it out loud or make them feel like my thoughts are more important. I listen, and we talk about what matters to them. When they share something important, my empathy means the world. They need to feel we’re a team, ready to tackle anything together.

#3. “How do you look?”

#3. “How do you look?”
To me, this is one of the harshest things anyone can say (not just parents). If I don’t like something about my child’s style or their early attempts at makeup at 13, I don’t scold—I gently offer suggestions when asked. Trust is key here, and it can be built.

#4. “Why can’t you just be normal for once?”

#4. “Why can’t you just be normal for once?”
What is normal? What we parents imagine? If history had stuck only to what was declared normal, many great minds wouldn’t have been who they are. Imagine if Picasso or Einstein hadn’t had their parents’ support. Every child is normal in their own way, even if their worldview or thinking differs from ours—that’s something to be proud of.

#5. “Have you gained a few pounds?”

#5. “Have you gained a few pounds?”
Women often struggle with weight their whole lives—some want to lose, others to gain. We’re rarely satisfied, and we pass this on to the next generation. Teens face a tough journey toward self-acceptance, and it only gets harder when their own parents criticize instead of encourage. Before you share your opinion, pause for a moment. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and think about how your words might feel. Poorly phrased criticism can have serious consequences. Slowly but surely, your teen may pull away—and that’s the last thing you want.
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