For a long time, I felt completely alone in this. Today, I know so many of us share this journey, even if we don’t often talk about it. I’m sharing this story because if you sometimes feel alone with your thoughts, fears, or compulsions, know that you’re not. It might feel a little lighter when you see others going through something similar.
I can’t remember a time in my life without some compulsive habit, like repeatedly touching a door or handle while counting how many times. Since childhood, I lived by my own rules, as if they could control the world around me.
My brain picked “lucky” numbers, and if something felt off, I’d instantly panic.
As a child, I was convinced that if I didn’t touch something six times, someone in my family would die, leaving only five of us. That made the number five especially scary to me. But it wasn’t just numbers—sometimes it mattered which foot I stepped out of a room with, or how I crossed a threshold. If I did it “wrong,” I’d obsessively worry that something bad would happen.
Sometimes I had to touch something hundreds of times before I could calm down. I couldn’t move on until the ritual was complete.
My family tried to reassure me, repeating that nothing bad would happen, but it didn’t help. As I grew older, things got worse. We missed events or I skipped them altogether. I didn’t visit friends, stay over anywhere, or even go on school trips. I made excuses just to avoid showing my compulsions to others. It felt like living a secret life no one saw.
When a therapist finally diagnosed me with OCD, I wasn’t surprised—I just asked, “Will this ever get better?” Back then, I barely got any help, so I learned to live with my fears.
Adulthood, Family, and Setbacks
Later, I started working in fashion, but OCD took on new forms. I feared being trapped in a bathroom, so I left the door open. Having someone walk in was less scary than feeling locked in. I completely avoided elevators, and flying caused serious stress. It became clear this would hold me back in my career.
At 30, I met my husband, and we quickly started a family. He understood because he also struggled with anxiety, so he never judged me. When I got pregnant, we decided I’d stop medication because we were happy, and I thought that would be enough. I lived like this for ten years, with three kids, trying to find workarounds. For example, if I had to use an elevator, I’d take the stairs instead, even if it was tough.
Once, I even trusted a stranger to take my little girl up in the elevator while I took the stairs.
Now I realize how desperate that situation was.
For a long time, it seemed like this coping worked, but really I was just delaying the problem. A few years ago, everything collapsed. I had a nervous breakdown, overwhelmed by fears about my children’s safety and the dangers of the world. The compulsions came back, but no longer brought relief. I constantly counted, watched every move, and couldn’t focus on anything else. It was the darkest time of my life, when I felt completely out of control.
Healing and Living with OCD
I finally asked for help, starting a long, exhausting journey to find the right medication. I tried many treatments, but many didn’t work or caused strong side effects. Sometimes I felt sick for weeks after a change. It was an incredibly tough time, filled with constant uncertainty. But eventually, I found an excellent doctor and got the right treatment. That’s when I really started to feel better.
Today, I’m much more stable, even if OCD hasn’t disappeared completely. I can get in an elevator and close a bathroom door—things I once thought impossible. Old fears still pop up sometimes, like when a lock seems suspicious, but I know how to handle those moments now. I’ve accepted this as an illness and that I need help. That acceptance brought the greatest relief.
Sometimes, before bed, I still feel the urge to check on my kids again, as if that will protect them, but I try to be gentle with myself. I’ve realized many parents share similar worries, even if not as intensely.
Now, I try to channel my OCD positively: I launched my own denim brand and pour my obsession into my work. For example, I can spend a long time perfecting a tiny detail that gives my business an edge. I know this condition will likely stay with me, so I watch for triggers. But I no longer feel alone—and that’s the biggest change in my life.
What to Do If You’re in a Similar Place
If you saw yourself in this story, the most important thing I want you to take away is that you’re not alone, and you’re not "weird". These thoughts and compulsions are very real, and far more people struggle with them than you might think.
It’s worth reaching out for help, whether from a professional or just talking to someone you trust. You don’t have to face it all alone. And while it might not fully go away, you can learn to live with it without letting it control your life.
Give yourself time and patience, and try to be a little kinder to yourself. Recognizing what’s happening inside you is already a huge step.
