One of the big questions in marriage is how many kids you want, and unfortunately, spouses don’t always agree. So, what’s next?
Since I was little, I dreamed of having three kids—I always pictured myself as a mom of three. My husband and I talked a lot about it, and he agreed that three kids would be great. But after our second child, he hit the brakes and said two is enough. His reason? “We only have two hands, and neither of us could handle three kids alone.” He worries it would be overwhelming to juggle three different schools, sports, and lessons—it would be a “nightmare” to organize. I don’t agree; I believe we could manage.
I’m upset with him for changing his mind and breaking our agreement. I still want a third child, but he’s firm, and I don’t know what to do. Should I leave and find someone else? I couldn’t—I love him, and the kids adore their dad. I won’t secretly stop taking birth control because I know he’d see that as betrayal and might even leave me over it. All I can do is keep asking, hoping he’ll come around.
The fate of only children
After our son was born, my husband said, “Great, that’s enough.” But I’m an only child who grew up lonely, and I promised myself if I ever had kids, I wouldn’t stop at one—I didn’t want to put my child through being an only child. So I lied about taking birth control, and surprise, we had another boy. At first, my husband wasn’t thrilled, but now our boys are five and seven, and watching them play together, he admits I was right—a sibling was needed.
Comfort
My husband says two daughters are enough because he wants to retire relatively young and live comfortably. But I’ve always wanted a son, and I won’t stop until I have one. He doesn’t trust me, so he insists on using condoms, but that won’t stop me…
The ego
We have one child together, and we adore our daughter. I want more kids, but he says he doesn’t want fatherhood to become his whole identity. He worries more kids would strain our relationship because we wouldn’t have enough time or energy for each other. I see that as selfish because we have the money, and we already hire a babysitter at least twice a week to have time alone. Does it really matter if the sitter watches one child or two or three?
Money
My husband didn’t want more babies because he felt having another child would “take resources away from our first.” I think that’s nonsense. We’re doing okay financially, and having siblings is a huge gift in life. My sister is my best friend, and his two brothers are his closest pals—so I don’t understand why he wanted to deny our child that.
I told him my son won’t grow up without siblings, and eventually, he gave in, so we had a daughter he doesn’t love. Now I regret pushing it because it turned our lives upside down. My husband resents our daughter, I’m angry at him for that, and my son hates his little sister and struggles with not being the center of attention anymore.
Promises
Our story was the opposite: my wife and I planned a big family. She has three siblings, I have four, and we have great relationships with our families. But her pregnancy was a nightmare. She had to stay in bed, was very sick, lost a lot of weight, and the birth was full of complications. I can’t blame her for not wanting more kids—she really suffered. But I desperately want more children. Surrogacy is illegal here, and neither of us wants to adopt, so I don’t know what the solution will be. I love her and don’t want to leave, but deep down, I know that’s what might happen if she doesn’t bless me with more kids.
