Perfection vs. Reality
Jordan interviewed people who had distanced themselves from some or all family members in several studies. One interviewee helped reveal that not everyone experiences estranged family relationships negatively:
“Not all of us want to be like a Christmas card or feel the need to spend Christmas with our dad. I don’t want that, and that’s completely okay. And there are others like me. Some people feel ashamed about this, but they have no reason to.”
Jordan gained a deeper understanding of the cultural value placed on close family ties. From that perspective, a lack of intimate family communication and connection can seem like a failure.
Another study by communication researcher Christine Rittenour and colleagues found that estranged adult children and parents in the U.S. were often judged negatively by others, which only added to their anxiety and discomfort.
When distancing is the solution
Sometimes, family estrangement is the most functional and healthiest choice for people in the long run. Based on her research, Jordan Allen helps us understand and accept family estrangement, offering advice for those who experience it and believe it’s the best option for their well-being:
“Estrangement is normal and more common than we think. Throughout history, estranged relationships have always existed.”
Many find examples of estranged relationships in their family’s past or present. Statistically, estranged relationships are becoming more common as people realize not every family connection can or should be maintained.
Estrangement can be healthy and ideal
Not all family relationships are positive or sustainable. Estrangement can be initiated by others or by ourselves.
Estrangement doesn’t have to be a last resort. Family members don’t need to wait for more harm or pain to believe that distancing is the right choice.
Setting healthy boundaries with family can mean partial or full estrangement. In some cases, estrangement helps families grow and heal.
It’s okay to view family estrangement positively. Sometimes, it’s the best solution for one or more family members. Those who found estrangement healthy often shared feelings of grief over the lost connection and sorrow from the stigma attached to estrangement. It’s important to acknowledge the positive outcomes of estrangement and remember: people can find loving relationships beyond biological and legal family ties.
