Op-ed – Borka Schuszter
For years, I believed that the only way to protect a relationship was to fix every problem the moment it appeared. If tension showed up between us, I needed it gone — immediately.
My fear receptors would light up and demand instant answers. In my head, conflict wasn't a natural ebb and flow between two people. It was an emergency I had to defuse right now.
And I reacted accordingly
The anxiety would kick in, the fear would follow, and my emotions took over almost instantly. In those moments there was no patience, no distance, no perspective. Just that gnawing feeling that we had to talk it out this second, or something terrible would happen.
The problem was that this state almost never produced a good conversation.
Instead, it produced quick, tense sentences. Misunderstandings. Defensiveness. Words neither of us had really thought through.
And more often than not, the original issue didn't even get solved — we just added another layer on top of it. A slightly grumpy comment that a quick apology and a hug could have smoothed over instead spiraled into pointless hurt feelings and jabs.
I'm not saying instant clarity never helps. Not every conflict tolerates delay, and sometimes a quick chat prevents a much bigger misunderstanding.
But over the past few years, we've slowly discovered something surprising: in a lot of situations, the best communication technique is not trying to communicate right away.
You know the scene — your partner has just annoyed you, and you're in the next room, angrily watering the plants, muttering insults through gritted teeth. Let's be honest, it happens to all of us. But it's far better if those sentences, the ones we don't even really mean, go to the philodendron, not to our partner's face.
So I started consciously "switching off" that reflex
Not literally, but in practice, yes. When I notice I'm overheated and it's only the anger talking, I step out of the situation instead.
Sometimes I'm the one who leaves the room. Sometimes I ask my partner to go for a walk. Not as punishment, not in a passive-aggressive way, but simply so that both of our nervous systems can settle back into a calmer state.
Fifteen minutes. Sometimes that's all it takes for the first wave to pass, so we can actually think about what we want to say and speak from intention, not from anger — with the goal of being understood, and of understanding the other person too.
When we come back to the conversation, completely different words show up. Not defensive, not on the attack. We both had time to consider what we wanted to say, and how.
A misheard half-sentence, a critical remark dropped in a tired moment — it's so much easier to walk those back this way. Because it's no longer that first flash of anger doing the talking. And that difference changes everything.
It used to be that a situation solvable in five minutes turned into a needlessly drawn-out argument, simply because in the heat of the moment we tacked on four more things neither of us truly meant — but once they were out in the air, you couldn't just take them back. These days, we let that first wave run wild far less often.
Of course, getting here meant learning to recognize when I'm not in a state to talk — and trusting one crucial thing: my partner will still be there in 15 minutes, ready to listen to me.
Does pausing during an argument mean avoiding the problem?
No. The point isn't to dodge the conversation but to return to it in a calmer state. Stepping away for a short while isn't punishment or the silent treatment — it's giving both nervous systems time to settle.
How long should the pause be?
Often about fifteen minutes is enough for the first wave of anger to pass, so you can think through what you actually want to say instead of reacting on impulse.
Is it ever better to talk it out immediately?
Yes. Not every conflict tolerates delay, and sometimes a quick conversation prevents a much bigger misunderstanding. The pause is a tool, not a rule for every situation.
Why does anxious attachment make instant fixing so tempting?
When tension appears, the fear response can treat conflict like an emergency that must be defused right now. Learning to trust that your partner will still be there afterward helps loosen that reflex.
