When my grandmother, who sadly is no longer with us, was diagnosed with cancer, it felt like the world collapsed for everyone in the family — especially for her. We tried to stay strong for her, encouraging her that this condition can be treated and that everything would be okay. Finding the right words was incredibly hard because, especially in the early days after diagnosis, nothing really helps. Cancer isn’t like a cold; you can’t just say, “Take your medicine, rest, and you’ll get better.”
Studies show many cancer patients fall into deep depression upon learning their diagnosis. Another research found that severe depression is closely linked to the stigma patients face, which sadly impacts their quality of life negatively.
Many patients also share that even well-meaning comments can carry subtle blame. Here’s what you should never say to someone with cancer!
“Do you smoke, by the way?”
This question can be especially hurtful for lung cancer patients because it implies they somehow deserved the illness due to their choices. But according to the American Cancer Society, 20% of people who die from lung cancer never smoked or used tobacco products. And those who do or did smoke certainly don’t welcome the diagnosis. This question shouldn’t make anyone feel ashamed.
“Oh my God, I totally understand what you’re going through!”
Really? Have you ever been in a similar situation? If yes, then this might be somewhat appropriate. But if (luckily) you haven’t faced anything like this, don’t say it to someone with cancer.
How could we truly understand what it feels like to be diagnosed with a tumor when we have no idea what emotions they’re experiencing, how they view their life, treatments ahead, or anything related to cancer?
If you want to show empathy, say something like “I understand” or “I’m here for you and support you every step of the way.”
“How did you get sick?”
At this point, it really doesn’t matter. No matter how the illness developed, the fact remains: this is the situation. Never ask how it happened. If it’s hereditary, they can’t help it. If lifestyle or habits played a role, it can’t be undone. And if they don’t know why this happened, this question can cause even more guilt. Don’t make them feel it’s their fault — whether it is or not.
“My (friend, acquaintance, relative) had cancer too”
Unfortunately, this comment can backfire.
Overly optimistic remarks can backfire, making your friend wonder if a treatment that worked for your friend will work for them too.
If it doesn’t, they might blame themselves for why what worked for someone else isn’t working for them. People often try to connect with others through these statements, but when someone starts sharing stories about a friend or family member who had cancer, it usually doesn’t help the current situation — it often just scares the person more.
