For your peace of mind, sometimes you have to put certain people on a specific shelf.
Acceptance
I accept every family member just as they are; I don’t want to change anyone. I’ve made peace with everyone’s personality, but I only visit my mom regularly. I stop by my dad’s on his birthday and Christmas, but not otherwise. I send a card to my aunt and invite my uncle over. I call one cousin regularly, but the other is blocked on every platform. And that’s exactly how it should be—everyone in their rightful place.
Mom
I spent so much time and energy making excuses for my mom’s behavior that it took up a big part of my mental and emotional capacity. When I realized this, I said enough. It’s not my job to wonder if she criticizes my weight because of her own low self-esteem or if she downplays my achievements out of subconscious jealousy. I decided I’m not a psychiatrist, and it’s not my job to analyze or explain her hurtful remarks. I immediately saw she noticed the change. It was like a spell broke, and the witch was surprised her toxic words no longer affected me. It felt freeing.
The Question
My sister once asked me why I always buy her sister more expensive gifts. I could only say that I don’t try to change either sibling; I treat them as they deserve. She was deeply offended but I could see she was thinking it over.
Letting Go
I would have gone to the ends of the earth for every friend in my circle. Then something happened, and some people showed their true colors. I unexpectedly lost my job due to downsizing, and since I was in the middle of moving (deposit, moving costs, etc.), I had three tough months when I needed help. Out of six friends, three lent me money. To be clear, my opinion didn’t change because some didn’t help or because one did. The wealthiest friend didn’t help, saying they couldn’t. I wasn’t disappointed because they didn’t help, but because they lied. Another friend helped but kept rubbing it in my face, which hurt. I quickly found a new job and paid back what I owed. In the end, I was glad this happened because I realized I needed to reposition two of those six close friends in my life. No hard feelings—we get along if we meet, but they’re no longer in my inner circle.
Reality
I have no expectations from my immediate circle anymore. I know my husband won’t do the dishes, my colleague won’t work overtime, my mom won’t stand by me, and my sibling won’t help. I don’t judge. But in return, they get from me exactly what I get from them—no more, no less. Because protecting my mental health comes first.
Help
A friend of mine started a flower decorating business, and I often helped her. I enjoyed it and we spent a lot of time together, and of course, I never accepted payment. After a while, I noticed I was the only friend helping out—no one else did. Also, we only met when she needed help; she never invited me to other activities. Meanwhile, she went to the beach, bowling, and concerts with other friends, posting pictures with them. I didn’t get angry but realized I’d been used for free labor for almost a year and learned my lesson. I didn’t block her or confront her; I just said no the next few times she asked for help. After three refusals, she offered to pay, but I still didn’t go. I moved her from my friends list to acquaintances and considered things closed between us.
Boundaries
My family took it for granted that I handled everything and came to me for everything. When I first said no, they were shocked. I pointed out that there are 12 of us in the family group chat, so the tasks should be divided into 12 parts. That was the moment I set a boundary for the first time and stopped subordinating my life to my relatives’ demands. When they complained, I reminded them I’m not trying to change them, just myself.
The Boss
My dad ran several big companies and was used to being the boss. He was stunned when, at 32, I told him that the CEO of my life is me—not him—and thanked him, but he no longer needs to manage me.
Promotion
I’m a business owner, and I live my life like I run my company: I decide who I hire, who I let go, and who I promote. This mindset really helped me weed out unworthy friends.
The Box
I was close to a colleague. We met outside work and shared secrets. Then I overheard an ugly rumor about myself that clearly started with her, since only she could have known. I saw the other colleagues told me to stir up drama and gossip, but I didn’t give them the satisfaction. I simply put her in an imaginary box and treated her accordingly. I avoided sitting next to her at lunch or talking with her seriously—only about the weather. I just didn’t have time to meet outside work anymore.
