This is especially true during the Christmas season, when everything seems to revolve around being with family—those who truly love us and whom we genuinely love back. But what if you never felt that warmth within your home’s four walls? What if you never believed there was a strong bond between you, that your connections were close, or that the love was sincere?
The pressure builds when you get seemingly harmless questions like “Where are you spending Christmas?” or “What do you mean you’re not going home this year?” Especially when the usual comeback is, “I can’t imagine not visiting my parents.”
It’s no wonder if Christmas feels more like a burden than a blessing, and you find yourself just waiting for it to be over. It’s also completely normal to feel like you’re watching it all from the outside, like an outsider looking in.
Still, there are some things you can do:
Name Your Pain
Author Peg Streep, known for her bestselling books, recently interviewed a mother who shared her experience:
“My mother made me feel worthless my whole life—no matter what I did, it was never good enough. As an adult, I became the poster child for holiday perfectionism in my own family. I wouldn’t let my kids hang ornaments on the tree, and I dressed them only in outfits I thought looked good for photos. I was like a military commander all through Christmas. Nothing was spontaneous because I demanded total perfection, but my needs sucked the joy and fun right out of everything. I started therapy, and my family embraced imperfection, making our holidays truly wonderful.”
Healing starts with the ability to accurately name your feelings.
Studies show that girls raised in less-than-ideal households struggle more to identify their emotions. This is because, as children, they had to deny and hide their feelings. Experts agree that we can’t truly manage our emotions until we understand where they come from—and how they affect us now.
Set Realistic Expectations
As parents, we often forget there’s only one behavior we can change immediately—our own. This applies to the holidays too, when it’s easy to overdramatize or overreact. But not if you prepare for these moments in advance!
Experts recommend planning ahead how you’ll respond to uncomfortable situations. Have a go-to phrase ready to calmly end a heated discussion. Staying composed is key—remember, you can only argue with someone who’s willing to argue back.
Also, as an adult, you have the power to say no and resist invitations or offhand remarks. You’re never obligated to be somewhere you don’t want to be or listen to things that upset you.
Find Your Safe Spaces
The holidays can bring a lot of stress, but you don’t have to feel powerless. Those who have secure attachments naturally cling to safe points. The good news? Anyone can learn this skill—even as an adult.
This often involves therapy, but you can practice alone too: imagine a place where you feel safe and supported. Experts say just this thought can help you calm down and handle stressful moments better.
Take a Break from Social Media
Time and again, social media reveals a very different story behind the scenes than what we see on the surface—especially during the holidays. Perfect family photos, babies in baskets, engagements, flawless gifts… But that’s just the highlight reel. Rest assured, no one’s Christmas is all sugar and spice—everyone faces fears, bad feelings, and missteps. If the holiday highlight reels get you down, here’s a simple fix: pause your social media profiles for the season.
Prioritize Self-Care
If you’re feeling stressed, do something that helps you relax! If you’re short on time, don’t try to bake the tenth batch of cookies at night or force yourself to clean windows just because it’s tradition. During the holidays, focus on recharging and making time for self-care. Try a craft project that brings you joy and doubles as holiday decor. Or simply take a peaceful walk in the snow, even if it’s just by yourself…
