Healthcare workers hear many tragicomic things in the delivery room…
Questionable smells
“Did I just poop myself, or is my husband’s breath stinking again?!”
Hearing this, I was glad I was wearing a mask so no one could see me laugh. Actually, both were true: the lady had an accident, and her husband’s breath was really bad.
Half-ready state
Mom, when we handed her the baby:
“Oh no, what is this?! It’s not ready yet, put it back!”
Bribe money
The woman had been in labor for 12 hours already, and I really felt for her. I saw her whisper something to her husband, who then pulled me aside and quietly said:
“My wife says this is yours if you reach in right now and pull the baby out.”
He crumpled a $20 bill into my pocket. I gave it back and explained that it doesn’t work that way. Half an hour later, he came back with three $20 bills, but I still turned him down.
What if?
“Push, dear, you’re doing great, just a little more pressure and we’re almost there!” – I encouraged the mom enthusiastically, when she grabbed my collar, pulled my head close to her mouth, and quietly growled:
“What if, just this once, you did the pushing, dear…”
I stopped encouraging immediately.
Falling out
Mom between contractions:
“I think my butt fell out. Never mind, just give it to my husband.”
Goodbye!
“Alright, I’m done, I’ve had enough, I’m going home.” – said the mom as she started climbing off the delivery bed, even though the baby’s head was already visible between her legs! It took four of us to hold her down on the bed; she really was ready to leave.
Chunky
“Oops…” was all the mom said after she vomited on my head. It was chicken soup, and the vegetable chunks were stuck in my hair.
Strong affection
“You’re so sweet, I like you. How about coming home with us after the birth to help take care of the baby?”
This came from a 43-year-old businesswoman having her first child. No joke, she was serious. When I said I couldn’t go, she just said she’d double whatever I earn here at the hospital if I stayed with them for at least a year.
Ready
I said to the mom: “It’s time for the last big pushes, the baby will be out soon, take a deep breath, are you ready?” Her answer:
“No! I’m ready for a coffee and a cigarette, nothing else!”
Aggression
Having the dad present doesn’t calm every mom down; once a woman told her husband:
“If you don’t want me to punch you, get out of here!”
Poor guy slipped out quickly.
Modesty
When we wanted to check how dilated the mom was, she squeezed her legs shut and said she wanted her husband to check.
First impression
Mom, seeing the newborn:
“Oh my God, it’s an alien, I don’t want it!”
Regret
Many rethink sex during labor, like the mom who told her husband she would keep a brick under her bed and if he tried anything again, she’d hit him with it.
Dazed
As an unsuspecting nurse, I passed by a mom who was lying so calmly I thought she was asleep. When I got close, she grabbed my arm – as fast as a snake striking its prey – and looked me seriously in the eye and said:
“Get me high, I don’t care if it’s illegal!”
