Parental neglect during our childhood years often remains invisible, yet its effects can be profound well into adulthood.
Definitely Not
When someone says they love me, like me, or gives me a compliment, I freeze and don’t believe it. Me, lovable? No way. I never received that from my parents, so as an adult, I struggle to accept kindness or praise. I’m always waiting for someone to leave me.
Cheers
My mom was an alcoholic for over a decade. Not an aggressive drunk, but the kind who drank herself into unconsciousness for days. Even as a small child, I knew I had to feed myself, do my homework, bathe, get ready, and go to school alone. I barely saw my dad and had no siblings, so my days were pretty lonely, completely on my own. Mom eventually quit drinking and has been well since, and I forgave her. But to this day, my stomach tightens and I feel physically ill when someone offers me a drink. Even knowing they’ll refuse it.
Touch
I react negatively to comforting human touch. If I’m upset and someone tries to hug me or gently place a hand on my shoulder, I immediately pull away because I can’t handle it.
Conflict
I don’t know how to handle conflicts. I simply lack the tools because there were no arguments at home. If there was a problem, my dad left, my mom locked herself in her room, and after a while, everyone acted like nothing happened. As a child, I had to solve my problems alone; my parents “didn’t interfere.” That’s a polite way of saying they completely ignored me, and as a result, I still can’t face conflicts head-on. When tension arises, I get up and leave. Then I wait for everything to magically go back to how it was before. This approach doesn’t work well for resolving fights with friends or partners.
Expressed
When my partner asks what I want in our relationship, I panic because I can’t express my feelings. I can’t put into words what I emotionally long for. This has a pretty negative impact on my personal life.
Child’s Play
If I see a cute stuffed animal in a store, I compulsively buy it for myself because I never got one as a child: my dad said stuffed toys were “pointless.”
The Celebration
My boyfriend noticed that I never celebrate anything. He pointed out that the night before, while playing board games with friends, everyone was laughing and jumping for joy when we won a close match—except me. And I didn’t show much emotion when he proposed or when I got the promotion I’d wanted. I mentioned this to my therapist, and we traced it back. As a little girl, I got a doll for my birthday and was so happy I shouted out loud, only to be scolded by my parents for “screaming like a pig” and told to “express joy properly.” Thirty years later, I still don’t dare show excitement openly.
The Pavlovian Reflex
When my parents argued, they always told me, “Go to your room and stay quiet!” That’s still my reflex in any uncomfortable situation. Once, when my coworkers had a minor argument that triggered me, I found an empty office and locked myself in until things calmed down. Not the most mature behavior for a middle manager—especially since I was the boss of one of the people arguing—but that’s how it is…
Assistance
I get anxious asking for help because it feels humiliating and like failure. I’m used to solving everything on my own since childhood, and as an adult, I still do everything myself. When my boss tells me to delegate, I get short of breath and would rather work through two nights than ask for help, but I get it done alone. Or when I realized I couldn’t carry the chair I ordered up to the third floor and my neighbor helped without being asked, I needed a few puffs from my asthma inhaler because the anxiety hit hard.
Busy
I’m 34 and still panic when someone says they’re not available. I know they’re genuinely busy, but hearing it feels like a gut punch. That’s when the spiral starts: maybe I said or did something to deserve this, or maybe they don’t love me anymore and never want to see me again. Even though I intellectually understand this comes from my neglected childhood, I’m not yet able to respond calmly. It’ll take a few more years of work.
