Learning from Experience
With our first child, my husband didn’t help at all. He’d come home from work, say he was tired, and spend weekends out with friends because he deserved a break. Then I saw how my girlfriend’s husband was with their baby: as soon as he got home, he’d rush to the baby, cuddle, and always bathe the little one. When our second baby came, I told my husband this time it’s a team effort since my online business was picking up and I was working every day. At first, he was clumsy with everything, but he quickly got the hang of it. I wish I’d been firmer with him the first time around.
Encouraged
They say women instinctively know what to do with a baby, while men often don’t—and I agree to some extent. As a first-time mom, I was unsure but managed everything, while my husband really fumbled around the baby.
I’d shake my head at his awkwardness but never scolded him, so I wouldn’t discourage him. I praised him even when he put the romper on backwards or buttoned the undershirt wrong. It’s important that dads don’t constantly hear how clumsy they are—instead, let’s cheer them on. (Yes, in some ways, our husbands are a bit like our kids too...)
Getting the Hang of It
A psychologist friend told me we often repeat our own parents’ patterns in raising kids. So when my husband avoided diaper changes and baby care, I knew he was copying his dad, who wasn’t involved. I sat down with him gently and said he’d be a much better dad to our son than his father was to him.
Patiently, I showed him how to feed, dress, and bathe the baby, and he got better and better. Eventually, he did it eagerly and proudly. He told all his friends it’s not right for baby care to fall only on the woman—men need to step up too.
Reluctantly
At first, my husband tried to convince me he was too scared to hold the baby, worried he might drop him. Then came the usual, “Honey, you’re so much better at this, I just can’t.” But I stood firm: we both wanted this baby, so we’d both take care of him.
I told him I wouldn’t be like my friend Orsi, who literally can’t leave her child with her husband for even an hour because he calls every five minutes with nonsense. And I figured he wouldn’t want to be a dad who can’t watch his own child for an hour either. That hit home, and after that, he obediently helped with baby duties.
Baby Duties
Men don’t carry the baby for nine months, so at first, they don’t bond as deeply as moms do. We accepted that we’re different and found it helpful to clearly divide tasks. Since I’m with the baby all day, he handles bathing and bedtime. I do the laundry, but he washes the bottles too. If something’s needed, he goes to get it. He assembles the crib, and we take turns cooking. Talking it through early on about who enjoys what really works well.
With Patience
It was clear I’d get my husband involved with the baby, but I’d be lying if I said it was easy. I had to hand him everything because once he tried to use my shampoo on the baby instead of baby oil and forgot to warm the formula before feeding. His awkwardness didn’t discourage me, though. I wanted to grab the baby and say, “Forget it, I’ll do it myself.” But I knew that would only hurt me in the long run, because then I’d never be able to leave the baby with him when I needed to. He’s not a perfect baby whisperer yet, but I trust him completely—and my friends envy me because they can’t say the same about their partners.
Passive
I noticed I was being passive-aggressive with my partner. I resented him because I did everything with the baby, and he never offered to help. One day, he was about to wash the car, and I had an idea. I took the bucket and sponge from him and handed him the baby, saying, “Let’s switch.” He was surprised but caught on quickly—and I have to say, he’s a natural dad and really good at everything.
No-No
The first weeks, he’d go to the gym after work, shower for forty minutes, then spend an hour on the phone with his friends—while I didn’t even have time to wash my hair. I knew this couldn’t continue, so slowly and steadily, I got him more involved with the baby. I started with small tasks and gradually gave him bigger ones. He grew to really enjoy being an active part of our baby’s daily life. I believe many women make the mistake of not even considering or allowing dads to be full partners in parenting.
Setback
I thought we’d parent together, but my husband completely shut down. He said he’d take care of the baby once he could talk. To snap him out of it, my mother-in-law and I left the baby with him for a weekend. I left in the morning as if going to the store, then we called to say, “You’ve got two days on your own.” He freaked out and panicked but managed it. Since then, he’s been a model dad who loves caring for the baby.
Surprise
When my mom visits, she’s amazed that my husband quickly changes and dresses the baby and that I can leave the house anytime because I know the baby’s in good hands. Mom always says I "trained" my husband well because she never expected that from my dad—“those were different times.” I told her I didn’t want our child to be so attached to me that I couldn’t leave for an hour without him.
Cover photo: Halfpoint/istockphoto.com
